To my Angels in Heaven Above

Of all the things

Of all the things I miss the most
I miss your loving face
Sparkling eyes and pouty lips
the things that made you my babe
Of all the things I've cried for you're the only one
For whom I cannot bear to think this all is done
Of all the things I've wanted ever in my life
I simply wanted to hold you, my reward for my strife
Of all the things I've dreamed of you were every dream
I tried to hold on tight no matter how things seemed
Of all the things I've begged for I begged for you for years
The beautiful tiny child of mine who's so very dear
But of all the things I've wanted I never was given you
So now I sit here and wonder what am I sposed to do
I've cried so much a river can be found lying at my feet
And as i sink to the floor I finally feel that I've been beat
But as I looked in the sky there was a beautiful glow
And somehow I can't explain you just know
That was my angel looking down on her mother
And telling me smile maybe soon there'll be another
Like rain from thunder cloud this too wil pass
I know it's hard mommy but you need to smile alas
He holds me and he loves me in the palm of his hand
I lay there night and day and the time is like sand
Drifting through an hourglass so slowly yet so fast
And someday mommy you'll be with me again, finally at last
So put a smile on your face and believe it will come true
Cause mommy that's the only thing I really want you to do

On June 18th of 1993 my life changed forever. I was swimming with a family friend, alone. My friend made advances on me and I felt REALLY uncomfortable. I got out of the pool, dried off, and decided to give him some time to cool off. I went over to the house and started to change...I remember whistling some stupid song I'd heard on the radio on the way over to the pool. The next thing I knew I was yanked around by my hair and my clothes were being torn off of me. In 2 minutes my life changed forever.
Suffering a rape is hard enough on it's own but being young, him not using protection, and me just entering the "child bearing years" all added up to one thing.......I was pregnant. I found out because I thought I'd had the flue or worse yet that he'd given me something. I hadn't told my parents about the rape so I asked my best friend to help me. She had an older brother and he took me to Planned Parenthood.....imagine being about 14 and sitting in a waiting room that is cold and impersonal. They called me back and asked why I was having sex at such a young age. I just broke down and cried. They then gave me the option to "get rid of it" like this baby I was carrying was a parasite that their antabiotic could fix. I told them no...at them time mostly because I didn't want to tell my parents. My "friend" had told me if I opened my big mouth the would end up dead and I'd be sorry. He was 6'4" 240 lbs. 17 years old and mean....I belived every word he said. So I went home and I looked at my tummy still flat, not showing any signs that a human life was growing in there. I prayed and prayed for God to get me out of this mess, I knew if I went full term I would have to tell my parents. Little by little though this tiny angel crept it's way into my heart. At 14 weeks I felt the first flutter it was sooo weird to feel this baby tickle me from the INSIDE. I grew accustomed to the idea that I'd be a mother so young and it was okay with me. I had even come up with a plan on how to tell my parents.....still leaving out the rape, so they wouldn't get hurt. At 15 weeks 3 days I was playing with a friend in my upstairs bedroom and she chased me as I went to go down the stairs I fell. I tumbled down 13 stairs and landed at the bottom..immediately I knew something was wrong I got these horrible sharp pains. I called my best friend yet again and her brother saved me YET AGAIN. He took me to the Emergency Room covered for me and said it was his baby so he could be there. I'll never forget what an awesome person he was. I laid there praying I wasn't going to lose this little angel. The doctors came in and looked at us and told me, "I'm sorry but the placenta tore away from the wall when you fell there's nothing we can do" Not more than 25 minutes later did I begin to miscarry. It was the most painful experience of my life both physically and emotionally. They took what "remained" of my baby for testing. I found out later that night that I had a baby girl. I named her Lilie Anne Marie. I never told my parents my best friend covered for me and I just kind of closed myself into my own little world. In 12 days it'll be the 6th year anniversary for when my little girl was conceived. Whether she was conceived in hate and violence or in passion and smiles...I still loved her. I still miss her. And I still pray every night that I will see her one day when we meet in Heaven.
A Letter to my Daughter,
Lilie my dearest little girl,
I know that you don't blame me for what happenned, yet I still find it hard not to blame myself. If only I hadn't fallen down the stairs, if only I hadn't been running knowing I was pregnant, if only if only if only. My dearest little angel, I would do anything to have you with me. You'd be 5 years old now. Going to Kindergarten and making me so proud. Everytime March 10th rolls around I live in this haze of tears and regret. I know that someday I'll see you again but until then remember this. Your mommy loves you very much, and you were very wanted I don't care how you were conceived you were still MY precious little girl. I know you're watching your mommy struggle to give you a brother or a sister.....but in my heart I know you and God are waiting to give me the perfect little soul one that would glow as much as yours did. From the moment I felt you move you became real to me and no matter what anyone says you were my BABY not a fetus or a "possible" life. My dearest Lilie just remember that your mommy loves you and misses you more than you'll ever know.
Love,
Mommy

Lilie Anne McTaggart Born and Died September 18th, 1993