Mommy had her first therapy appointment today. It was a really good experience for me to see that it’s okay to worry about you so very much. I wonder if when you’re older you’ll appreciate what your daddy and I have gone through to make you a reality. It’s been an uphill fight for all three of us, you, your daddy and I. There have been so many frightening moments when I thought I was going to lose you. You’re so very important to me and I love you more than you’ll probably ever figure out, but that’s okay. You’re not supposed to know how much worry and anxiety went into your birth. I’m over half way there and every day we make it is a milestone for us. When I first found out I was pregnant with you I just wanted to make it past 12 weeks then I’d start relaxing and then it was 14 then 20 now it’s 25. After that it’ll probably be 30 then 36 and finally you’ll be here and maybe then I can not be a liar when I say I’ll stop worrying so much. I guess I worry because I can’t imagine my life without you. From the moment you were just a beta after another IUI I loved you. You were my every waking thought and will continue to be until I die. So much care and love has gone into your conception…..and if you ever think that you’re mommy and daddy don’t love you I want you to remember what we did to get pregnant with you. I took shots and had embarrassing procedures, your daddy had to do embarrassing things also but I’m not complaining. Not for one second Jonathen will I ever complain about how we got pregnant with you because none of that matters now. All that matters to me is hearing your first big wail after your born. The one that says mommy what in the world were you thinking I LIKED IT in there. When I see your face my life and our family will be complete. Your daddy and you and I will finally be a family. That’s all I’ve ever wanted is for us to be a family. You are the completion of every dream your daddy and I have. Sure there are monetary things, a house, a this or a that but you and only you have made us what we wanted to be. No matter what happens we’ll always be there for you. If you need to talk, to cry, to scream, heck even to yell at us you do it Jonathen. That’s what we’re here for. Mommy’s tired and not feeling so good so I’m gonna go lie down. Tomorrow I’ll write you and tell you all about our experience in registering for your baby stuff. It was fun. Daddy and I had a blast. I love you baby boy!!! Don’t forget that! =0)
2-17-00
Jonathen
Last night I got into a huge roe with your grandpa and it was all to protect you. You see grandpa smokes and I’m not going to put you at risk. Your grandma and grandpa put me at risk for my entire life and didn’t even blink an eye but your daddy and I wont let that happen to you. No one is going to smoke around you or put you in harms way. I will lay down my life for you when it comes to that. I promise you. Anyways grandpa is having some kind of cranky spell and he makes it hard to deal with him much less like him. Then again everyone says I’m not to fun to be around cause being pregnant with you has been hard. Oh well to each his own. This morning I got woken up by one of your ever powerful kicks, I love it when you kick me makes me smile so big. Okay so I promised to tell you all about registering for your baby stuff. Your daddy and I had a blast, you can not imagine how much fun we had picking out stuff for you! We chose Noah’s Ark for our theme I hope you like it….then again if you don’t oh well huh? You see, you’re kind of stuck with it. We spent 40 minutes looking for the perfect crib and what theme wanted and which mattress would be best for you tiny little body. I enjoyed doing this all so much you can’t even imagine how much I enjoyed it. We registered for the neatest swing and pack and play crib. The colors aren’t that great but oh well they work and have neat functions that mommy likes a lot. We also registered for this big domed bouncy thing with an attachable soothing vibrating thing, it’s all the rage. Your Uncle Phil and Aunt Pam are going to make sure you are one styling baby. Every time I go to a baby store I just have to buy something for you. Stuff with trucks, fire engines, and policemen. Maybe you’ll grow up to have your daddy’s desire for the adrenaline junkie’s lifestyle. I sure hope not though. I would much prefer you do something where I wont be feeling the need to lay awake in my bed worrying when you’re 25 gosh even 40. In all reality though, I can’t choose any of that for you, and in the end I don’t want to. I want you to do something that will make you happy. Something that will make you feel like your life is fulfilling. For me it was having you that has been my dream/goal/want/desire ever since I can remember. I wanted to be a mommy more than anything and you’re going to be the realization of that dream. On a totally different note, I hope you know how hard your daddy is working to making it possible for you to have a good stable life. He’s working himself hard but he doesn’t complain because he loves you. Once again Jonathen don’t ever forget that. Oh yeah and just so when you read this when you’re 16 years old and want to rub something in your “old mans” face. Your daddy got a ticket today. His second in 4 months pretty funny huh? Your daddy the Cop got a ticket!!!!! Now don’t go rubbing it in his face to bad though cause that’s not exactly fair kay? Interesting side note for you. Your mommy has never gotten a ticket to this day…..aren’t you proud of me baby boy? Anyways mommy’s tired and I wanna go feel you kick so I can have my daily reassurance. Tomorrow I’ll tell you all about mommy and daddy’s courtship. You’ll think it’s funny when you’re older. Love you!
2-23-00
Jonathen,
Sorry mommy hasn’t written to you in awhile, it’s just that so many things have been going on. On the 17th mommy had to go to Labor & Delivery because I thought that I was having contractions and that you were going to come way to early. I have never been so scared baby boy. All I could think about is losing you, the most important thing in my life. They hooked me up to the monitors and you sounded fine and come to find out I only had one big contraction while I was there. It turns out I had a bad urinary tract infection that was making my kidneys and bladder spasm. It hurt a whole bunch but you know what? I didn’t care a bit as long as you were okay. That’s all that matters to me, you being okay. You know they say that when you become a parent you love your baby more than yourself. Funny thing is I love you more than myself now and you’re not even born yet. I’d do anything for you baby boy. If the Drs. told me I had to stand on my head and count to 5000 every day to make you healthy I would do it. I do know that the only thing that keeps me going on some days is your kicks and God. I’m going to raise you to realize how very important the Lord is. He is the creator of life and the lord of all the wonderful things that you’ll see, hear, touch, and smell in your life. Whenever you doubt that life is not worth living remember what a miracle you are. Your daddy and I prayed so hard for you, I dreamed and I hoped and I prayed and I wished for you. When I found out you were a reality all I could think was, “Thank you Lord for answering our prayers.” So if you ever doubt what a miracle baby you are you remember you were an answer to fervent prayers made by both your mommy and daddy. I still wake up every morning and rush to hear your heart beat just so I can remember that you’re truly in my tummy. I didn’t dream it, or make it up, you’re really in there growing and thriving. In 13 days we reach a safety zone, a zone where if you’re born or my water breaks or I have contractions they will do everything in their power to help you thrive. I have faith in the Lord Jonathen, faith that he will protect you and we will make it long past those 13 days. You are his lamb, a tiny angel sent to my tummy and he is watching over you. You know now that I think about it so is your poppy. Your poppy’s name was Richard that’s where your middle name comes from. He was a very brave loving man of few words. He taught me things that only a man of great patience could teach someone. He taught me to ride my bike. swim, and pray. Those things are important baby boy, but they don’t even come close to the most important lesson he taught me. He taught me never ever to lost faith in the Lord. Your poppy had an aortic aneurysm that nearly took his life, but he kept the faith and fought back amazing not only his family but the doctors as well. He walked when they told him he never again would be able to. He drove a car again, he had his independence. Just 2 years after his aneurysm poppy had a cough that wouldn’t go away, we eventually found out that he had lung cancer. Mommy took him every day to his radiation appointments and his chemotherapy appointments. Even as he grew weak and lost his hair he never ever lost his faith in God Jonathen. He went through hell trying to fight to be able to see you be born, but he lost his battle. Poppy died on March 28th, 1999 and you were conceived on October 7th, 1999. If he could’ve held on for just 15 more months he would’ve gotten to watch you make your entrance into this world. Sometimes though baby boy, things don’t go the way you plan. Poppy’s last words to me were that he had to go he couldn’t stay, and that I should be good. Well I’m being good, I’m nurturing you in my tummy and trying desperately to remember all the things your poppy taught me. If I slip at times feel free to remind me that that’s not how poppy would’ve wanted it, because if there was ever a good example of a person who had all the right things it was him. I want to live like him, and I’m going to do my best to teach you all the important things he taught me. I love you baby boy, stick with me because we’re gonna make a difference in this world. Your daddy, you and I, I just know it. Mommy’s gonna go lie down now and feel some more of those reassuring thumps you hand out. Love you!
2-25-00
Jonathen,
Well baby boy we’re at 22 weeks 3 days just 11 days until I can feel sort of relaxed! =0) We have a fetal echo cardiogram on March 2nd. Dr. Kimbrough didn’t think it was necessary but you know what OH WELL I’m your mommy and I will decide what is done and not done whether she likes it or not. I’m gonna build up the courage to call her and ask for the referral today but if she doesn’t give it, oh well we’re gonna have it done anyway. Making sure that you’re healthy is my #1 concern not money! I promised to tell you all about mommy and daddy’s courtship so let’s see. Mommy was bored and decided to go into a chatroom cause a friend was gonna post some nameplates for me to see. So I went in there and was messing around with my senior pictures that my godfather Joe had just scanned in and guess what? In pops your daddy. I’d never met him before had no idea who he was or that he’d end up being your daddy that’s for sure! Anyway your daddy saw my picture and made some silly comment about giving him a lemon to stop the drool. Isn’t that the silliest pick up line you’ve ever heard? Well it intrigued me and I started to get to know him. We emailed each other constantly and found out we had so much in common. We loved guitar music, and queensryche, and children, and had both been hurt very badly by other people. Daddy was involved in a relationship and mommy was involved in a relationship as well. So we just stayed friend for almost a year flirting and being silly with each other. Then one-day mommy found out daddy’s girlfriend broke up with him and he was upset (or so mommy thought). So mommy got his phone number from a friend and surprised him with a call. He was kind of standoffish at first because mommy didn’t tell him who she was. =0) Anyway once he found out who mommy was he was so much fun to talk to, we had a blast together and spent well over 3 hours on the phone. Daddy told me all about himself and I have to be honest I thought from the very beginning that daddy had a super sexy voice. You’ll notice it when you’re born that daddy talks really quiet and soft and gentle. It’s very calming! Mommy on the other hand is a loudmouth, but you already know that. Anyway on November 20th mommy decided to end her relationship with her current boyfriend and go see what daddy had to offer. (By the way, mommy made a big mistake with the guy before daddy he was already seeing someone and she was living there, so if you ever think when you’re dating that I don’t get it. Trust me baby boy I do!) We talked every night non-stop it was like I’d known your daddy my entire life. I could tell him anything and everything and it felt so good. I’d never opened up to anyone the way I opened up to your daddy. I just let him in and couldn’t seem to help myself. On December 2nd 4 days before my 18th birthday and before your daddy ever met me in person he proposed to me. I of course said yes and then it was the wait to get him out here. Our original goal was to get him here on February 14th of 1998 but God had different plans for us. Your daddy helped move your grandpa Swart down to North Carolina from Michigan. Well it just so happens mommy and daddy knew someone from the net who lived in North Carolina and he was going to come up to Kansas and see his girlfriend in 2 weeks. What a coincidence that was as Colorado is just hours from Kansas. So daddy told his family and they didn’t exactly approve but didn’t say no either. So daddy left North Carolina January 1st and started on his way to see mommy. Daddy got on here on January 4th 1998 and mommy opened her Christmas present 10 days late. Daddy gave her and angel bear (cause that’s my nickname), a book of his favorite poetry with a beautiful inscription, and a baby book of himself. Every time I wonder what you’re going to look like I look at that baby book and dream. Your daddy was an adorable baby and I only hope you look just like him, well minus the ears of course. Shhh don’t tell daddy I said that! I only hope that someday you’ll find someone that makes you as happy as your daddy makes me, he is an amazing individual who puts his heart and soul into everything he does. You’re one lucky little boy, don’t you ever forget that! =0) Okay little one mommy told you the story and now she must lie down as she is super super tired still, I only got up to listen to your heart beat! LOVE YOU!
3-01-00
Jonathen,
Well baby boy today mommy is so frustrated she could scream. I feel like at every turn someone is yelling at me for how I handle being pregnant with you. It’s not been easy and it seems everyone thinks I should just be thankful and shut up. I am thankful, more thankful than they’ll ever truly know but I don’t honestly think that they get it you know? I think that at times you and I make a great scapegoat. Your grandma and grandpa would like to blame every frustration they’ve ever suffered on you and I. Hey to each his own right? No, not right not today. I feel completely alone in this, I can go to your daddy but he gets frustrated and with his frustrations come anger, and I hate seeing your daddy angry. We got news about my heart yesterday, it’s not doing well. Then again baby boy what’s new. My heart doesn’t handle anything well these days. Going up and down the stairs makes me feel like I am ready to die. I gasp for breath and my heart races, but I’m not supposed to complain. No your mommy is supposed to be strong and stoic, I chose this after all. I chose to go through the shots. I chose to have the insemination that created you. Wanna know what’s funniest? I couldn’t choose to get pregnant even if I wanted to, there is only one person/entity/whatever you want to call it that choose whether a life is created and that is GOD. Why can’t anybody see that you’re a miracle from God. People get frustrated with me because I worry about you constantly. Well you know what? Almost every good thing that I have ever had has been taken away from me. I am terrified that you and your daddy are going to be next. No one gets that and you know what? I don’t care if they do or don’t. I have a right to feel the way I do. My being pregnant with you is not the cause of the world’s problems. Anyway on top of that we’re trying to find a new Dr. to take care of you and I and it’s not turning out the way I would’ve liked. I am so frustrated I could scream. Heck you’ve probably heard me crying and sobbing and screaming already, they say your ears can hear by now. I only want the best for you! That’s the only reason I worry, get frustrated, scream, cry, etc. Why can’t the world around me understand that. I feel as though I’m constantly trying to cut through a ton of red tape just to make sure you’re healthy. Is that so wrong? Is it bad that I, your mother, want you to be born on time, healthy, and strong? I know I worry to much, I annoy the Drs. and your daddy, but it’s only because I care. You and you alone are my only concern. The rest of the world could crumble and as long as I had you and your daddy I think I could make it. I guess all I’m trying to say today is that I love you. I love you so much I’d do anything for you. They talk of taking you early because of my health but I’m going to fight for you baby boy. I’m going to fight until I can’t fight anymore. I’m doing my best baby. So please just hang on with me and we’ll make it through this together. I’m terrified that one night I’m going to end up not waking up, I didn’t even know my heart was slowing down to 30 bpm. To find that out was so scary. Oh baby boy how I love you, I’m just counting down the weeks until you’re here safe! Just 13 more weeks until you can be born safe and sound. 90 days until I can hold you in my arms! Mommy loves you more than you will EVER know!
3-11-00
Jonathen
I have so much to say to you so this could be long. Your mommy is dealing with so many things lately and none of them seem to be easy. I’m dealing with being a high risk pregnancy and the fact that you could come early. I’m dealing with the anger I feel towards your grandma and grandpa, I’m dealing with outright hatred I feel for your Aunt Pamela and most of all I’m dealing with the issues that being raped when I was 13 bring up. Not exactly something a “normal” person would write in a journal to a baby but at the very least this will give you a good idea of why mommy gets so angry or cries. Hopefully by the time you’re born things will be a lot better but right now I feel like my entire life is in turmoil. I’m so angry at your grandpa I feel like he should’ve protected me, but he never did and now at 20 I should be able to just deal, to move on this is no big deal right? Wrong baby boy. It is an issue that I will deal with until I die. I feel betrayed and let down by everyone around me. Everyone that is except your daddy, do you know how lucky you are to have him as a daddy? You couldn’t ask for a more humble caring person than your daddy. Last night was a horrible night and all I could do was scream and cry but your daddy man he was strong and just held us. Yup you and me kid, your daddy loves us. I feel as thought my entire world is in shambles and all I have to look forward to is your dad and you. You are my solace and my rock and everything that I live for right now. I get up and eat in the morning for you, I do everything I do for you and you alone. You are the absolute center of my universe. If only you could feel that and not the tears and anxiety that are constantly pouring out of me. I am angry and hurt my so many situations. I feel like no one understands and no one cares but you and your daddy. You love me just because I am sustaining you, I don’t have to do anything special for you to care about me. I feel as though the rest of the world is always looking to me to be this happy jovial person. Well I have to be honest baby boy I’m not that person. I have issues, I’m angry a lot of them time, I am sad so much of the time that a part of me has forgotten what it’s like to be happy. They say it’s as simple as thinking it and it will happen. A family friend, someone your grandpa and grandma trusted, raped me when I was 13 years old. I never told them and now to be honest I regret ever having done it. I wish I would’ve kept it to myself and dealt with it myself. Sooner or later I think I could’ve dealt with everything, instead your grandma reads my journal and ends up finding out what happened to me. It was none of her business but she did it anyway. She said that it was her right but it wasn’t!!!!!!!!! That was my business that was my life but she did it anyway. I can promise you one thing what happened to me will NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU. I swear on it I will die before I let that happen to you. I’ll even raise you as a freaking sissy before I let it happen to you, because it ruins your entire life. Everything that you think you know is taken away from you you don’t trust anyone, you don’t want to get close to anyone, you’re afraid of every person that walks by you. I don’t want that for you because it’s a horrible way to live. It’s the most horrific thing to think that the world around you is no longer safe, that you can’t step out your door without being afraid of what’s going to happen. Worst of all it’s horrible to feel like you have no one in this entire world to go to. Well let me tell you child of mine I wont let that happen to you. I wont, I swear to you on everything that I hold sacred I will NOT let this happen to you. Your daddy and I will do everything in our power to make sure it doesn’t happen. I love you too much to watch you go through all the things that I’ve gone through. Heck baby boy I’m still going through. Seven years later and I’ve not dealt with a bit of it. In all reality I just want to sit here and be angry. I want to cry my days away and feel sorry for myself, but I can’t do that. Somehow or another I have got to find a way to make myself happy as if I don’t I’m going to pass on to you all the hatred that I have locked inside of me. That’s the one thing besides you being hurt that I don’t want to happen. I don’t want you to have to cry yourself to sleep everynight because you feel that everything is desolate and desperate. I don’t want you to feel alone and so betrayed by the world around you. I’m trying baby boy I really am I’m trying to find it in me to make this better. I’m trying to figure out what part of me is so damaged that I can’t let this go. I think it’s because I honestly don’t know any other way of life. I don’t know how to spend my days thinking of happy things. I only know how to be angry, to wish the world to hell and not care what happens to anyone but me. When your daddy came into my life I changed a lot for the better. It seems though now that I face the idea of becoming a mom I am regressing so badly. I hate it I don’t want it to happen, I don’t want to feel like this who in the hell would. I’m scared and when I get scared I retreat to the only way of life I know where I feel safe, and that’s to be angry. I don’t know anything else Jonathen I’m trying so hard but I feel myself slipping.
I just got home from shopping for stuff for you and I feel much better. Every time I think of holding you tiny precious little body in my arms I just feel a warmth come over me. I love you so much. You are everything to me baby boy. I’m feeling better now, exhausted and with a headache but better! I’m gonna go take a nap goofy baby and try and remember all the things I have to work for. LOVE YOU.
3-20-00
Jonathen,
My dearest son, you must get some kind of kick out scaring your mommy to death. Friday March 17th, St. Patrick’s Day none the less, I woke up to bleeding. You and I must’ve had the luck of the Irish with us as it turned out to be completely beneign. I was so scared and all I could think of was you coming early and having to spend 3 months or more in the NICU. Oh my Lord did it scare me! As my mom was rushing to Labor and Delivery your daddy was rushing up from his job. I hope you realize that you are his only focus in life right now. He loves you more than anything, it is so amazing to watch him go through his days tired and haggard but willing because he wants only the best for you. It’s now Monday and we’re going to see the perinatologist again today so he can make sure that you are okay, I’m okay, and everything is okay. It’s a scary thing to think that things wouldn’t be but I’m pretty darn sure they are. You see poppy’s watching over you I just know it in my heart in my soul I know he’s watching you. He’s doing this with God’s permission of course. =0) You know it’s a good thing I named you after him, because he was the most stubborn German man you’d ever meet. Nobody ever went up against Richard Leitz and didn’t remember it. What was the funniest thing though, is that he never raised his voice, he never had the need to. He would make people understand in a polite but firm manner that this was the way things were. I think before you’re even born that you’ve taken on parts of his spirit. I believe that he had to go to make you a possibility, some people may disagree with that but that’s truly how I feel. You see he had to help God pick out the perfect spirit for you and just because he knew I’d need it he put just a touch of himself in there. The parts I loved and admired most about him. The stubborn streak that kept him alive for 3.5 extra years, and the quiet yet firm presence he always had. Those two things are the things I miss most about him, well besides the great advice he always gave. Nobody gave advice like poppy, and nobody else made it seem like it wasn’t an insult, he just told it the way it was. Many a time I’d run to him crying over something entirely stupid but instead of making me feel stupid he would tell me, "Shay don’t sweat the small stuff, because in the end the small stuff never amounts to much.” Funny thing is Jonathen he was so right and I never really realized it until he left us. You know the little things, like when I would get angry with him for not eating enough, or not fighting hard enough. Well in the end those things didn’t amount to a hill of beans. Instead of being realistic and seeing that he was doing the best he could I was sweating the small stuff and now that he’s gone all I can think of is how much I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had realized that people deal with things differently and that life isn’t always what we want it to be. I wish I had realized that in his own way poppy was fighting the good fight, but now it’s a little late for that isn’t it? I guess what it’s all boiling down to little one is that if I’m ever coming down to hard on you, being super silly and protective, or just plain driving you crazy try and remember what I didn’t, that everyone handles things differently. You can call me on the carpet for it, when I get to be the overprotective, unbelievably smothering mother. I would be upset if you didn’t, but try and remember why I get that way. There are days now that I panic and you’re not even born little one. I panic and run to hear your heartbeat, or drink a big glass of cold water just so I can feel you kick and then I sit there and count them faithfully timing it to make sure you’re okay. It’s not because I’m neurotic, okay you win maybe I’m a little neurotic but it’s mostly because your well being is the sole thing in my mind. It’s the only thing that really matters to me. I could care less if the sky is falling as long as I can make sure it doesn’t fall on you and someday you’ll understand that. Someday when you’re a grown man watching your wife’s pregnant belly swell, you’ll understand every single one of the fears that I’ve expressed in this journal. Someday baby boy you’ll be a daddy and your wife will be a mommy and you’ll both understand how very much that simple process takes over your every waking moment, and even those moments when you’re fast asleep. That tiny little being will be in your head and on your mind and you’ll be worrying just as much I am. I can’t wait to see what you’re going to make of yourself, I wonder if you’re gonna be like poppy and love cars or like you’re grandpa and love computers or like your uncle and love music or like your aunt and daddy and love the thought of helping people by being an officer of the law. Whatever you choose I only hope that it makes you happy little one. Happiness is something that is so precious that you should never waste a moment of your life being unhappy. I’m sitting here now realizing how very much of my life I’ve spent being angry at the world for doing me wrong. Funny thing is, none of that really matters when you think about it. When I sit here and think about the future none of the past really matters. I know that they say that your past makes you who you are, but that’s doesn’t mean that your past has to possess you. I only hope that by the time you’re born (in just 10 weeks you know) that I will finally be on the road to letting go of all of the things that have terrified me for so long. My only wish for you is that you never let life get you down the way I have. I’ve let so many things dictate how I feel and when they take over like that the demons of my past come crawling back making me so angry. That’s what happenned 9 days ago and I just couldn’t seem to let it go. Finally after hours and hours of crying I realized that I wasn’t accomplishing anything. Ranting and raving, throwing a hisser fit, and crying was getting me nowhere. So I guess the moral of this entry is I love you, I worry about you, I’m trying to become a better person for you, and I can’t wait to see what you choose to do with you life. I’m gonna go lie down little one. I love you more than you’ll ever know and so does your daddy!
3-23-00
Jonathen,
Well baby boy today mommy is sad. I suffer from depression but today is just one of those days that I am so sad I just want to cry the day away. I know it’s because I am just a big ball of stress but that really doesn’t help anything. I’m so worried about you I’m sick to my stomach, and if the truth be told I’m a little worried about me now too. That sounds so selfish huh? I feel bad for even saying it. You and you alone should be the only thing on my mind but I can’t seem to get past the fear that something is going wrong with me now. You know baby boy it’s like there are days when I am a strong person the type of person that you would want fighting for you. I’m stubborn and I don’t give up all those good German qualities that poppy was so proud of. Then there are days like today when I feel like the weakest person to ever walk the face of the planet. I feel like I am a complete failure, and that I’m not doing the best I can for you. You wanna know what brought this all on? I went to go see Jose, my cardiologist, and I thought he’d tell me it was just pregnant related stuff. I really thought that this is just me being a complainer. Heck it still might turn out to be and for the first time in my life I hope they tell me to shut up and deal. If they do that means I don’t have the condition that they think I have. They think mommy has Pulmonary Hypertension. It’s not a good prognosis for us baby if I do. You could have to come as much as 3 months early and I could have to stay in the hospital for a long while. I promise you one thing, I will fight with everything in me to keep you safe inside me for as long as possible. If they say thought that it’s better for you to be outside than inside I wont have a choice. You my baby boy are the only thing that is on my mind. I am scared for me but you are my world, my universe and I will do anything I can to keep you safe. Every day we make it without you having to come out is a day we make it close to you not have to spend any time in the NICU. I am so scared of that. Last night I had a nightmare that you were born early and I went to go see you but they wouldn’t let me. They wouldn’t let me touch you, or talk to you they kept me in this glass elevator and I couldn’t even actually see if it was you. I was so frightened that something was wrong with you and all I could do was cry. I woke up in a panic, nothing in this world scares me more than the thought of you having to be born that early. I’m terrified of it. I love you, I love you, I love you, don’t ever forget that okay baby? Mommy’s now sitting here with tears streaming down her cheeks crying her eyes out. I told you I was sad, but this is my place to cry and let it all out. So I let it all out. I love you and I’m gonna go lie down now okay? Mommy will write more when she knows more kay? Love you Jonathen with all my heart and soul!
4-05-00
Jonathen,
Today has been a stellar day!!!! Do you know what today is? It is week 28 for us we have made our second goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES !!!!!!!!!! We’re officially in the third trimester baby and now I can begin counting the days until you’re here. I have been waiting for this day to come since Oct. 23rd, your chances now are awesome. Wanna hear the best news baby boy? We got my echo results back and mommy doesn’t have pulmonary hypertension. We are safe and the chances of me carrying you to term are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can we say THANK YOU GOD?! I will THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL THE BLESSING YOU HATH GIVEN!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy and excited to know that we wont be spending the last 11 weeks of our pregnancy in the hospital. At the very latest you’ll be born on June 21st…….just 77 days away. Can you believe that I remember when it was in the 240’s and thinking that that seemed like an eternity. Now here we are just weeks away from you, my little miracle, arriving safely in my arms. I could cry from the joy of it all. Oh heck why lie I am crying. I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out because I can’t imagine what it’s actually going to be like to see your face. To hold your tinny little fingers in my hand and know that no one is going to take you away from me. I can’t wait to see your nose and touch your cheeks and kiss your hair and just breath in that smell that will totally be you. That new baby special smell that everyone talks about. I am so excited and yet I am so scared. I wanna be the best mom ever but it seems like such a challenge. Your daddy tells me it’s really simple all I have to do is make sure you have the basics and lots and lots of love. Well that’s not a problem little man I love you more than I love myself. I will do anything for you. Absolutely anything! I’m so happy and I’m crying so hard I can’t type through these tears so I’m gonna go lay down and talk to you. I love it when you respond to my voice. Mommy and daddy love you baby boy don’t you ever forget that!!!!