"Dear Skippy..."
The original tuba section advice column.
by Brett Stevens

Ask Skippy your question.

4/18/99:

Dear Skippy,

Is it wrong for a flute player to prefer the tuba/trombone sections more than the woodwinds? I've been getting strange looks from my woodwind "allies" for this trait, but I don't care. I think the low brass are more fun than the woodwinds -- I'm no woodwind priss! Except for trumpets. All trumpets should take lessons in humility and go hug a tree. Anyways, just thought I'd ask, since I'm dating a trombone player. And are all low brass players great kissers or it it just him?

- "Qwazy Flutist"

Dear Qwazy,

Well, it is natural to gravitate towards the stalwart rocks which hold the band together. As far as your fascination with the trombones goes, I am at a loss to explain that one. I guess that proves the saying, "Love is blind." I wouldn't worry about your woodwind friends giving you funny looks; The average woodwind player has an attention span of about 2.7 seconds and they will soon forget. I mean look at Chris Amos. He was once a clarinet player and he still hasn't fully recovered.

As far as the kissing thing goes, I would really have to say that very few women that date any tubas in our section go away unsatisfied. At least, that is what I have been told.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I am in a very longterm and very good relationship with a tuba player (a rarity around here, for a tuba player to get a girl). I love him superlots, but I'm going away to college in Minnesota, like, 500 miles away from where he will be. He keeps saying that he will come live with me in Minnesota, but he also says that there aren't any good tuba players for him to learn from up north in other words, he would abandon his music career.

My two questions are this -- One: Is he right? Are there good tuba players near Minnesota he could study with? (i wouldn't know...i'm a measly flute player) Two: If not, how can I convince him that a career in music, especially with the tuba, is more rewarding than any potential relationship? Thanks,

- "Perplexed"

Dear Perplexed,

I think this is one of those adult moments for your boyfriend. Not knowing either one of your respective situations I would encourage you both to take a long look at what you want from one another. I would encourage you to do what is best for each of yourselves, but I have one question. What would stop you from changing schools and following him and/or would you do that for him? I really have no answers for you, but I bet each one of you has an idea of what you should do.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I have a problem. I will be a Freshman next year at OSU. I am going to play in the band and everything. BUT I have a problem. See, I am a monster trumpeter, but I don't have a big head. I like people to like me, and if you tuba guys don't like trumpet players what am I going to do??? I'm sure that once you get to know me, you'll like the trumpet player that I am, not the conceited trumpet player you think I am. What should I do???

- "worried trumpeter"

Dear Worried,

Well I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are already exhibiting some of the telltale signs of trumpet ego-gigantis. You clearly delineate yourself as a monster trumpeter (You really might be -- I don't know) to people who have never met you.

As far as what you can do, when you get up here don't expect to be the best thing since sliced bread. It is a hard lesson but attempt to learn from those around you. As far as the tubas not liking trumpet players, it is not that we just as a rule dislike trumpets, we just dislike the ones who have to carry around their egos in dump trucks trailing behind them.

I really don't have any advice for you other than be yourself and be prepared if there are people that don't like you. After all, there are people out there the don't like the tubas, if you can believe it.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

Do you ever answer these things anymore? Do you even get htem anymore?

- "Fish"

Dear Steaming Chunk Of Crap,

Shut your pie hole or i'll beat you to death with a mackrel.

- Skippy

9/27/98:

Dear Skippy,

Hey, I'm the section leader of my high school tuba section, and the only girl. My best friend used to play tuba, but around second semester switched to trumpet, (God only knows why?) Since then he has lost his laid back tuba style and become a tight-assed, big-headed trumpet player. He's lost all respect for us tuba players, and therefore, because of it, I'm reconsidering our friendship. I've talked to him about it, but I don't think he cares. What should I do?

- "tubagirl"

Dear tubagirl,

It sounds like this guy has gone completely over to the darkside. You could try cutting off his hand and taking of the black mask. First you must do battle with the emperor section leader of the trumpets and throw him down a big shaft so the............ shoot, just forget about it. If he is going to be an asshole drop him and move on. Ask him first straight out if he wants to be friends and if he says no hit him with your tuba and show that puny trumpet player the error of his ways. Sorry for the Star Wars schtick.

Good luck,

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I have a problem. Ok. There's this really nice guy I've been talkin to. He asked me for my phone number but I was kinda hesitant to give it to him at first. After a few days or so, I gave it to him. So, he started callin quite often actually. I didn't mind. Then he got this job at KFC. He told me I should just drop by one night. Ok, so about a week and a half after he told me to stop by, me and a friend did. Now, he won't even talk to me. What is up with that?? Did I do something wrong??

- "i feel like a dumb ass"

Dear i feel like a dumb ass,

I guess you didn't do chicken right.

- Skippy

8/28/98:

Dear Skippy,

I found this awesome graduate student here and have taken her out a couple of times. I think she may actually be my soul mate - digs jazz, drop-dead gorgeous, etc. The problem is, she's homesick and may have a boyfriend thing still happening with a guy (guys?) at home. Please give me some advice - I just dropped a cool $50 this weekend on dinner in Tulsa and the last thing I need is another one of those "let's just be friends" relationships. Besides, man, I am one MAJOR HORNY dude - this divorce thing isn't what it's cracked up to be.

Awaiting your wisdom

- "Old Fucker"

Dear O.F.

Have you thought about masturbation? Our resident expert on that subject (Jon Matthews) might be able to give you some advice on how to relieve some of that built up tension.

As far as the woman situation goes, I would do my best to clearly define how you feel about her. Your best bet, in my opinion, is to go ahead and lay it on the line. Write a poem, play a tuba ditty -- I have been told that anything spoken in French works well. This will save many more fifty dollar weekends if the "friends" thing is the response. One thing I have learned from my fine section leader "want some get some, bad enough take some."

Good luck,

- Skippy

6/8/98:

Dear Skippy,

I have searched the entire world looking for one piece of information, and I thought with your expertise, you could be of a service. This is an issue that concerns everyone at some point in their life and should not be taken lightly. How do you march drunk with a tuba? I know I ask myself this question everyday and just can not seem to come up with a rational answer especially on my knees. Are there any manuals I can read to learn more? Maybe you have already written a book over this subject?

Any response would be appreciated.

- "Walking UpsideDown"

Dear Down on the Upside,

Marching drunk with a tuba... while not highly recommended it does occasionally occur. The best method that I can see is to focus all of your available energies on staying upright. This may prove to be more difficult depending on the amount of beverage or type of beverage consumed. This is where your loyal section mates (if any are present or in the same predicament) come to your aid. At OSU our method for marching or performing drunk or hung over (which really never happens) is kind of a continual taunting exercise to annoy the person or people into remaining cognizant of their duties. Basically making the experience so miserable that it will not happen again.

Or, you could just puke and go from there.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

Do you have any problems with euphoniums? I like tubas, but I myself play euphonium and I don't want to switch. The euphoniums and the tubas in my band pretty much consider ourselves one section. Is this bad?

- "jk"

Dear jk,

It is all right to play euphonium. I still play on occasion. It is not a bad thing to consider both of your respective sections together as one family. The only sticking point is when one or the other has to pull most of the weight. As happened when the OSU baritone section outplyed the entire band in 1993-94 and as the tuba section is doing a fair job of right now. Right now our tuba section closely aligns ourselves with the percussion line so.... go figure.

Inter-instrumental families: the wave of the future.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

OK, I think (keyword THINK) I have fallen in love with a little female french horn girl. Cannot figure out for the life of me what attracts me to her but I want her just the same. We don't necssarily have all that much in common other than being in band together at various times and I'm not sure she likes me as anything more than just a friend. Should I just lay it all on the line and see how she reacts, or should I give it some time to see if the relationship can eventually build to a romantic climax? Please help me, it's driving me slightly insane!

- "CEO of Hackistan"

Dear CEO,

My best advice would be to damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead. Don't come off as a raving loon when you tell her you are interested just inform her of your feelings. STAY AWAY FROM THE DREADED FOUR LETTER L WORD. Wait till you get to know her a little better. Good luck and watch out for icebergs,

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

My trusty buddy is quitting band! (he plays tuba too) How can I get him to stay so I don't have to deal with the newbies next year by myself??

- "Dang it!!!"

Dear Dang it!!!,

Sleep with him.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I am 16 years old and in the Memphis Youth Symphony. How are your feelings toward oboists?

- "queen of all that is SCUZZY"

Dear Queen,

Most are okay. You don't have braids and obsess about cats do you? If not you are most likely alright and will live a more fruitful life interacting with your tuba brethren. If you do have braids and obsess about cats, get some professional help.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

Sometimes I like to put a rubber band around my head while I'm practicing. I find that the combination of blood being cut off to my brain and playing the tuba gives me sexual pleasure. What advise can you offer for such a tortured soul?

- "Dizzy Dude"

Dear Dizzy,

Videotape yourself and post the movie on an S&M web site. You will make millions!

- Skippy

4/25/98:

Dear Skippy,

I met this most wonderful guy (a tuba player)..we started as friends, but a while later..the sparks began to fly..we both have these amazing feelings for one another..but we are still amazed and astonished about how everything is working out so nicely and so quickly. Both of us has had our share of *rotten relationships*. And we have found a whole lot of qualities in each other that we couldn't find anywhere else. I can't remember the last time I felt this good. And I know that he feels the same way! We know that things are happening rather quickly between us, things have just clicked between us. Everything has just been so good between us! Do you think that since everthing is going so nice that we should try to enjoy the relationship more by going slower, or just go with our gut feelings? Do you have any suggestions for our relationship? Feel free to give any advice.

- "Dazed & Amazed"

Dear D & A,

Make sure he is not completely psycho. Some tuba players are too far gone even to consider dating. I recommend being cautious. Never can tell what will happen. But if you gotta go in make sure you go deep.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

There is a girl in my tuba section that just won't do anything. I have tried giving her lessons, but it just doesn't work. It's like she's in band for an easy "A", but the band diirector is starting to get pissed. There are only 3 people in my section counting me, so it's a bit rough. What do I do?

- "Aaaack!"

Dear Aaaack!,

Sounds like you should give her a choice: tell her to either pull her own weight or get the hell out. We have been through a few "tuba holders" as well. They have ceased to be. Good luck man, and make sure you explain things with your director about her noticeable lack of effort.

- Skippy

4/15/98:

Dear Skippy,

I have always had a fetish for tuba players but was always afraid of what I would do to myself if I was rejected by the tubist of my dreams and quite frankly any straight male tuba player is the tubist of my dreams. I am going to be a senior next year and I am afraid if I don't snag a tubist now I'll miss out on something really good. Any suggestions??

- "Hot 4 the big brass"

Dear Katie,

In the words of Bill the Cat, PPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I marched tuba (aka, pile of fiberglass offal) my freshman year in college, and it changed my life. Really. Because now, you see, my left shoulder is swollen. Huge. Sometimes it moves, and it often talks to me. I am frightened, Skippy. What should I do?

- "Ripley"

Dear Ripley,

You might want to have that thing looked at. Long have we in the OSU tuba line believed that those plastic pieces of offal are seeding pods from another planet. We have some of those wonderful plastic pieces of @#$& in our basement (or "dungeon," as we call it) waiting for new victims. The possible medical maladies of this shoulder infestation might be well detrimental to your health. The next time your shoulder starts talking to you, try to reason with it, make friends, and send us a picture of it so Chris can put it on the page.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

As usuall the upperclassmen wanta-be tuba player that I have kicked of the section making me the only tuba player there in my band thinks that I am a smart @$$ and keeps on bugging me. Since them he has been playing trombone and hitting me in the side and comes very close to getting his @$$ kicked by a Freshman in High School. What the hell do you think I sould do about it.

Oh, by the way don't disrepect the name because it is true that I am the best in my band.

- "The best"

Dear Asshole,

You should have played trumpet.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I'm a frosh in Rancho Cotati HS it kind of sucks exept for TUBA & art of course, but anyways, here's my question... could you tell me some fingering exercises for my slow third chair fingers, PLEASE!!!!!!

- "TOAD"

Dear Toad,

Cool nickname it seems as if you would probably fit right in here. The best people to ask this question would be our illustrious section leader Bryant "Penis Wrench" Warren, our new Rank Leader David "SCOC" Green, or Chris "I couldn't tune a tuba to save my life" Amos. All of these guys are die hard tuba majors and are supposed to know something about that stuff.

Hope it helps,

- Skippy

Bite me, Skippy.

- Chris

4/4/98:

Dear Skippy,

I am a tuba player in high school and there's this girl I like in band. She's a clarinet player. I really like her but don't know how to show her I do. What should I do to show her? Is it wise for a tuba player to be dating a clarinet player or what should I do? Thanks for your help as I am sure it will be very appreciative.

- "under the influence"

Dear Under the Influence,

It is all right to date outside the tuba family. In fact it is probably the wisest course of action. There is already plenty of inbred tuba players walking around. As far as showing her how much you like her the most mature way might be to simply tell her, ask her out on a date. HAVE A SPINE! I mean the worst she can sat is no. If that doesn't work you could employ the Chris Amos method of composing a tuba ditty about some feature of your clarinet love. (Chris' song was called "Your Ass Is Like An Onion." Needless to say it didn't work, but at least he tried.)

Good luck, and remember always suit up before you go diving,

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

My boyfriend is a part of your tuba section and I've noticed personality chances and a bit more perversion than normal. I don't like it but what should I do??

- "=D"

Dear Ha,

We are doing our best to keep all perverse activities to a minimum but as you can confirm it is not something that can be readily controlled by normal outlets. Eventually this to shall pass and your boyfriend might return to normal but, be warned! Once a perverted, nasty, bastard tuba player always a perverted, nasty, bastard tuba player!

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I am a fellow tuba player and I was recently playing in the band. I am not really in band but the director loves it when I am there. So, My girlfriend sees me in the band room and then walks away. I then left to see what was the matter and she then said, "Are you going to be playing that "THING" for a long time?" I was petrified! Does my girlfriend just hate the tuba or does she just think I favor it over her? What should I do?

- "TUBAbabue"

Dear TUBAbabue,

You are at a crossroad of life. Will it be a woman or a tuba? Many of us still wrestle with this problem daily. I mean the tuba, doesn't complain when you lips are on it, loves to be greased up on a regular basis, the harder you blow into it the better sound it makes, never runs away, can be fingered in any number of ways, doesn't care what you wear, isn't jealous of other tubas, and always looks great after a five mile parade. How many women can you say that about, huh? Women are still necessary but the more you look at the facts the more attractive the tuba becomes. The choice is up to you, weigh your options carefully. Some men achieve balance between women and tuba, some men succumb to the sultry charms of women, and still others emerge from this trial of life convinced that women are of the devil and spend the rest of their lives with their tuba (I.e. Russell Wright). I don't really have the answer for you you must look into yourself and see what your heart desires: tuba, or woman?

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I'm a percussionist, but every now and then, I want to be a tuba player. This is strange to me, since I like to beat on the drums, and do not know how to play a brass instrument.. What is wrong with me, or is anything wrong with me, maybe it's all backwards.. I'm really a tuba play, and wanna be a percussionist? I don't know anymore.

- "Dazed and Confused"

Dear D & C,

Your feeling of kinship with the tuba are perfectly natural. Everyone knows that the percussionists and the tubists are the coolest members of the band no matter what the trumpets might think. At Oklahoma State the tuba players and percussionists have developed a strong and lasting bond. It is the bond of keeping the band together, we two sections together can most readily control if the band stays together or cracks apart.

Your fears are unjustified, what you are feeling is reciprocal respect for yourself and those tuba players in your band. I am sure there are some tuba players who sometimes desire to be percussionists.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I am a band director at a small Texas town. I have an odd problem--no matter what I do I have too many tuba players!! I think I'm the only band director that has more tubas in his band than flutes. No matter how mean or nasty I am I cannot seem to get the correct balance. What's my problem, or am I just cursed with tuba players that just don't know when they're not wanted?!? For your information-I am a tuba player. Could this be part of my problem. Please help--I'm running out of horns!!

- "Bandman"

Dear Bandman,

Sooo... what was your problem again?

- Chris

Dear Skippy,

I seem to have a problem. I am in band and play the horn in F and no one seems to respect me becasue of what I wear. they all think that coveralls are out of style. Personally I think they are rather snazzy and are pretty hip. If I am wrong could you please let me know.

I also wear a hat that makes me look like "a lumberjack in heat." Is this a bad thing? I always thought that women went for the lumberjack type. What should I do?

One more thing, I really like this girl and she is in band and plays the flute. She is not much on personality and seems a little weird also to the others. But I think she is really hot. I tend to be the shy one of the group and have never asked a girl out or ever gotten any. I tried with a prostitute but she would not even take the money. HELP!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!!

- "old and Lonely Coveralls"

Dear Cold & Lonely,

Quack.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

Gee I wish I was a tuba player. The OSU Tuba page has really made me realize that. Too bad I have a high School director who won't let me switch. I guess I'll just have to spend the rest of my life wishing I could have been in the ranks of the greatest ppl who have ever walked on the face of the Earth.

- "Trombone Boy"

Dear T. B.,

Yup.

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

My girlfriend seems to have a problem with me playing tuba. Is she just jelous because I spend more time with it than her??

- "tubaman"

Dear Tubaman,

Although playing the tuba is a very seductive practice for all those involved it cannot take the place of a good woman. Maybe you should introduce your girlfriend to the tuba. Take her and the tuba out to lunch. Have them get to know one another. Maybe if it goes really well you can combine the two relationships but, be warned. As you can attribute the tuba has a unique hold upon people so don't be surprised if she begins to obsess about the tuba as well. Basically unless you are a real sicko (like Chris) your girlfriend has nothing to fear from the tuba.

- Skippy

3/28/98:

Dear Skippy,

As a former tuba player, I must admit that your web page is VERY well done! I admit that I find a kind of "calling" and am wanting to become a citizen of Blatvia...

Skippy, I am now almost 30 years old and feel that I did not take advantage of my time in marching band in college. I am considering walking away from two very lucrative businesses that I have and going back to grad school and get my PhD in Tuba Performance. I am considering Ohio State University, but only because they might let me dot the "I" at halftime...

Insight?

- "Spike"

P.S. Or you could just wank it. Jon Matthews (resident chief wanker) expert can attest to its effectiveness. At least that is what he tells us on almost a daily basis.

3/7/98:

Dear Skippy,

I'm a frosh in high school, but am already acceling in the tuba industry. And I'm the only girl tuba player around here (rock on!!). Just wondering if I should keep the hobby up. I really enjoyed the page, (kinda reminds me of my marching band). Oh yeah, I'm experiencing lack of sleep; does it have any thing to do with my playing the tuba for 2 hours a day? And will Ginseng help?

- "J.D."

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I have an uptight section leader who, if given a lump of coal, could make diamonds if asked. He needs to relax and get some. I tried to find him a chick and to get him to chill out, but he is still uptight. By the way, he is also a mechnical engineering major with a 3.95 GPA. What should I and the rest of the section do???

By the way, where can I get a cool Men in Back t-shirt???

- "Tubaboy"

- Skippy

2/28/98:

Dear Skippy,

What is the best way to torture woodwind players (I.e. flutes)?

- "Dirty Ol' Man"

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

I'm not the type to do the Dear Abby thing, but I've got a problem. It's stupid, and you can think anything you want to and analyze the hell out of me if you desire -- that's your parrogative -- just as long as you help me out.

Five weeks ago, I was at a party where I ended up talking to this guy, Mark, for 3 1/2 hours. Things went well from there, and I thought we liked each other, but when it was confirmed that I really liked him, he ran scared and started ignoring me. I know this means either a: I'm a fool, b: he's a jerk, or c: well, I don't know!!! So please, help me, help me, help me.

- "Clueless"

- Skippy

1/16/98:

Dear Skippy,

I can never seem to stay on my feet. I run in to things all the time. Especially astroturf. Oh yeah -- I can't get any either. What can I do?

- "Balance Impaired"

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

My section does not respect me. What should I do?

- "Whatever"

- Skippy

Dear Skippy,

what are you wearing? mmmmm... I'm a student in madison, wi, and no, my lack of use of capitalization does not mean that I am a) devoid of self esteem, b) rebellious against the status quo, or c) a wacked out ee cummings stalker. it just means I'm too damn lazy to care. I like the page... so give me your analysis of me.

- nora

- Skippy