Relating the Legends of Ulvar's courageous stride
against evil Sir Mollusc, in the Year 712 of Bolloter.
See the Map of the Realm
Whole CD booklet (PDF)
Tracks
Lyrics
01. AT THE MEADOWS
Amongst the meadows of Wurzwald
A peaceful village Lardby lies
People are celebrating the coming summer
The season of shepherd god Bolloter...
Meanwhile, a brave young man, called Ulvar
Is taking a leak behind the tavern
His muscles are shining in the evening sun
Suddenly, t'sa sees a bugger riders.
They are galloping towardsa Lardby.
Sir Mollusc & his Evil Knights:
"Muhahaha, I am evil Sir Mollusc",
And we are his Evil Knights,
"Without mercy, without pity", we will take your lives!
"Hail to thee sheepfuckers", we will rape your wives!
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02. THE BURNING
Ravaging dark forces gallop onwards
to destroy the village with the cleansing fire
Swords flashing in the sunlight
bloody bastards surge head on...
Laughter of the beastly evil knights!
Behind the bar did Ulvar piss, in the yard did lovers kiss
Then came the Riders of the Doom
Shit was flying, men were dying
Drinking blood from the skulls
The Burning Choir:
Burn! Burn! Sir Mollusc cries.
Burn! Burn! All the people die!
Old wife is stumbling in the mud, in her back a sword is stuck
Soon her eyes will be boiling
Tavern is a flaming stake, temple was to ruins made
Evil men are warming sausages
Brave shepherds and their sheep, choke on blood as they bleed
Horrendous, satanous deed!
Horses rape and children whine, arses aflame on seven stakes
Ulvar stumbles into marshmallows
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03. QUEST FOR JUSTICE
Anguished he fled from his youthful days gone
that had been burned to the ground
a feeling remained... vengeance!
Even if he knew it not, Hatred had his heart
Choir of the Ghosts of Vengeance:
Through the forests, across the land
Quest for Justice, Justice and Truth!
Mollusc shall pay for his deeds!
Quest for Justice, Justice and Truth!
I will smite him into goo
Ulvar searched for the lands fairies and dwarves
but the mines were empty and cold
Those bastards would pay, by the Gods!
The fairies had had enough, their bodies were left to rot
Through the mines in a wheelbarrow
At last he reached the giant hill hole,
asked the mighty ones if they'd help
it was difficult to breathe - for the stench!
The giants were scared so stiff.
They had even shit in their pants
Through the hills of excrement
Echoes:
I will have Justice...
I'll fight to have Justice
I smite to have Justice...
I demand to have Justice!
Aaahhh!
By the blood of my sheeps...
by the blood of my cows...
I'll have Justice!
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04. WORDS OF WISDOM
"And so heeded young Ulvar the good people of the realm
And travelling far and wide
Reached the castle of the wise king Munaditós.
Admiring the grandeur of the castle Yrrghvarh
Young Ulvar spake to himself:"
"The owner of this castle must be the wisest of all living men!"
Ulvar (to the king):
"Harken, my king, noble and wise,
I am Ulvar from Lardby, I need advice
My home village was burned and desecrated
by the evil Sir Mollusc, who is now hated"
Royal Choir:
Words of Munaditós, Wisdom of the King,
Sage is their counsel and goodness they bring!
(Munaditos ruminates in forgotten tongues)
Munaditos:
"Listen, my son, I give you my aid:
twelve knights, but not yet a maid
To gain her you must fight for your cause...
also I give you this lovely riding horse!"
Goodness they, goodness, not badness,
but goodness, they bring
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05. KNIGHTS OF COURAGE
Choir of Good Knights:
For the Passion, the Love and the Truth,
Ride the knights on their cause for good!
The Knights join their forces for the causes of good
With Bearded Druids from the Northern Woods;
Servants of Bolloter, visions from Mushroom High
The Knights with druidian magic in their hands
Plan their vengeance upon enemies of the land
Against Sir Mollusc's evil band
Twelve knights, Ulvar commands
The Archdruid knows the secret of evil men
Hiding in their forbidding castle den
Before the dawn, Ulvar must ride,
Fight ground, at Krockelschnide
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06. BATTLE OF KROCKELSCHNIDE
Eve of victory...
With dark Doomlance...
Evil gathers...
To make their advance
Chorus:
Joust! Ride! At Krockelschnide
Bleed! Hide! At Krockelschnide
Sir Mollusc & his Evil Knights:
"Muhahaha, I am evil Sir Mollusc"
And we are his Evil Knights
"Without mercy, without pity"
We will take your lives!
Death awaits...
Ulvar's good knights...
A sudden hope:
Heavenly light
Bolloter:
"Ulvar!
I am Bolloter!
In this time of trouble
I bestow upon thee this Godly Gift of Girlpower -
The Holy Sword of Truth!"
Tide turns...
Dark forces must retreat...
An evil scream:
"Again we will meet!"
Bleed! Hide! Bleed! Die!
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07. THE WOUNDED HERO
The slimy pond hides a rubbery faeryslut
Pours you a barrel of pee and it's no clean deal
Tears your balls apart by heart
Mustard up the arse and lights you up like Lardby
Ulvar (now wounded):
Cure bleeding from my meatloaf, my heart
Shit fries around my innards from outwards
So I fall upon my bratwursts my knees
Before my sweet swampqueen oh Börjedriel
The Plead of Ulvar:
I ask for your love to heal me.
For I'm so wounded, I am so very wounded
And it hurts me, oh it hurts me
The Doomlance has cut me deep...
My scars are deep, oh oh so deep
Your eyes are gleaming like stars
Your breathing is warm as a fart
Oh your skin is so soft and your Tits
Are two lovely bags of greenish piss
Only love can make me whole again.
Make blood run hot in my veins
Evil are the scars of Doomlance
But thanks to you whore, I still have a chance
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08. THE ORDER OF DARK MOUSTACHE
"Narrowly escaping the bloodsoaked plains of Krockelschnide
Thus avoiding The Holy Sword of Truth
And a just fate in the hands of the Knights of Courage
Sir Mollusc now journeys through the Gnome Pathways
Towards the underground city of Pičrru
Ruled by the Sorcerous Order of Dark Moustache..."
Rooted in the Pits of Hell
Lies Magic City of the Spells
Dirty old men grab their balls,
send fire from the Twilight Hall
Will-o-Wisps set the show
As a gift some boys are sent...
Oh no, they're on their knees until they're spent!
Undead skeletons fuck their heads,
molest their brains until they're dead
Where the Towers do grow...
Sir Mollusc & his Evil Knights:
"Muhaha, I am evil Sir Mollusc"
And we are his Evil Knights
"without thanks but ample payment"
we will ask your aid!
Archsorcerer:
"Trouble rather the dragon in his lair
than the Sorcerer amongst his scrolls!"
Pedantics of Dark Moustache (w/ their fingers extended):
With Dark Ma-gic!
Death-ly and tra-gic!
Vic-tims fry as fire-balls fly!
(Negotiations and Torment in the Twilight Hall)
Finally the sorcerers come to terms
And for their help demand a price:
"Shit of giants and owlbears' sperm
give us and you shall see your enemies die..."
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09. HOOVES OF UNICORNS
Now healed Ulvar to his fate went riding
And out came the Unicorns
Which had been meanwhile in their hiding
With some tasty acorns
Unicorns:
Takatakataaa...
Choir of Börjedriel's Swamp Things:
Gallop! Gallop! Proud Unicorns!
Strike with your shining horns!
Running, running, across the plains
Over the mountains to save the day
A hundred Unicorns together came
led by Starhoove and Pinkymane
Ulvar:
"Gallop, gallop my horse! Gallop, gallop!
Gallop you horse! Gallop you old bag!
Gallop, gallop... Gallop!"
"Gallop, so far! Gallop to the stars!
Gallop, gallop... Gallop!
or else everyone will die!!!"
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10. THE FINAL BATTLE (SWORDS & SORCERY)
Stars gleam at the sky, knights stand side by side
Battle will start at midnight
Robes flutter in the wind, sorcerers ready their spells
Burning will greet the twilight
Sir Mollusc & his Evil Knights:
"Muhahaha, I am evil Sir Mollusc"
And we are his Evil Knights, Hey!
"Without mercy, without pity",
We will take your lives!
Brave men scream, brave men fry
Chorus of Warriors:
March to battle, might meets magic
Magic meets might, on this night!
Doomlance aims the head, another drops down dead!
Mangled bodies with no names
The Holy Sword of Truth, Heavenly justice deals!
Evil men fill the graves
Unicorns impale with their horns
To pieces enemies are torn!
Rather spicy with the grapes
Ulvar meets Sir Mollusc, the outcome is at hand
Two men engulfed by hate, fight by a silent lake
So many have already died, the prophecies clearly lied
only dead will greet twilight, after this Final Fight
Ulvar makes a fumble... Sir Mollusc follows in a'rumble
Into water they crash, Maelstrom appears with a splash
So vanish tomorrows dreams, water fades the screams
Bridge of Death:
At twilight, armor glitters!
At twilight, bodies litter
Brave men screamed, brave men died
Final Chorus of Death:
Fought and battled, might met magic
Magic met might, on that night
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