ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

• Dogs love it when your friends come over.

• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

• Dogs think you sing great.

• Dogs don't cry.

• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

• Dogs are excited by rough play.

• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

• Dogs love red meat.

• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

• Dogs don't shop.

• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

• A dog's parents never visit.

• Dogs love long car trips.

• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

• Dogs like beer.

• Dogs don't hate their bodies.

• No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

• Dogs never criticize.

• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

• Dogs never expect gifts.

• It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

• Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

• You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

• Dogs never want foot-rubs.

• Dogs can't talk.

• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

 26 reasons a why beer is better than a woman:

1.   You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2.   Beer stains wash out.
3.   You don't have to wine & dine a beer.
4.   Your beer will sit patiently in the car and wait while you
     play football.
5.   When your beer goes flat you can toss it out.
6.   Beer labels come off without a fight.
7.   Hangovers go away.
8.   When you go to a bar, you always know you can pick up a
     beer.
9.   Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another one.
10.  Beer is never late.
11.  After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10›.
12.  A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another
     beer.
13.  If you pour a beer right, you always get good head.
14.  A beer always goes down easy.
15.  You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel
     guilty.
16.  You can share a beer with your friends.
17.  Beer is always wet.
18.  You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19.  You can have a beer in public.
20.  A beer doesn't care when you come.
21.  A frigid beer is a good beer.
22.  Beer doesn't demand equality.
23.  You don't have to wash  a beer before it tastes good.
24.  If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
25.  After a few beers, you don't need to see a doctor.
26.  You'll be sober in the morning, but she'll still be ugly.

WHY MEN CAN'T WIN

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a damn about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

 

100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY
 

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
 3. You know stuff about tanks.
 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
 5. Monday Night Football.
 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
 8. You can open all your own jars.
 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championships
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You don't have to drive around to find a bathroom that isn't "gross."
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's Sportscenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
 

Riddles

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
You make the chain shorter.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who just won't do what she's told!

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???

What's the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on they're hind legs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still sucks.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course because he'll shut up after you let him in.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.

Why do women have breasts?
So men will talk to them.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
 

Return To The Main Page