Saturday was gray. The clouds were laying like a heavy blanket on the sky. You could feel their weight as you walked. It wasn’t so much their presence as it was the wait. The clouds hung tentatively. Any moment it would rain. It wanted to rain. It just didn’t know how. Couldn’t find the proper moment. Instead, the clouds hung heavy over your head, weighing you down as you walked. It wanted to rain.
Saturday was interesting. I spent Saturday afternoon outside. It was chilly. It was much colder than I had expected for the end of September. Oh my god, I thought, it was the end of September. Wasn’t it almost a year ago? It had to be about this time. The Big Dance was always on my birthday; the fifteenth of October. I had been with her by this time last year, hadn’t I? I remember where I was. I remember I was in the basement of Jaymeth’s house. I had been going to her house every once in awhile.
I remember one night I had gotten my friend to go with me to her house. It was chilly. I had gotten my friend to go with me because I was so nervous to talk to her. She was, by nature, a quiet person. She was known by her peers as a quiet, reserved, valedictorian. She had not received anything but an A+ in any class as far as anyone could remember. She played soccer and swam. She had a nice body, skinny with a nice stomach. I like nice stomachs. Her hair was wonderful and long enough to dust her shoulders when it was down. Her teeth were white. Almost too white. Her teeth represented her well. Wonderful. But maybe too wonderful. I had tried to talk to her; which was neigh impossible because we were both so nervous. I remember my friends that I had brought along ran around her yard. The grass was wet. I think it was dew. In the light of the next day she found a keychain. It was black, woven in nylon and said Nike on it. I still have it, somewhere.
I remember when I was in the basement of Jaymeth’s house. Jaymeth asked, “Are you going out with her?” I walked out of the room with her. I asked, “Are we going out?” She said, “Sure.” I turned my left shoulder and put my hand to my mouth to amplify what I was about to say into the other room. “She said yes!” I said to him.
I spent Saturday afternoon outside. It was much colder than I had expected for the end of September. That night I spent with friends. She was a part of that group of friends. She was working on homework. She missed her friend and a silly little boy agreeing to go out. She felt left out. She was at home. She was often at home.
Sunday was gray. It was a lighter shade of gray. The cloud cover was more translucent. It made the sunlight look forced through a grimy plastic bag. The bag was suffocating the light. It stuck in its throat, forming a seal that could not be broken by the ultraviolet rays. The sun was above the cloud cover. It wanted to be sunny. The clouds said they wanted to rain. It wanted to rain. It trembled. It fought the urge to be sunny. They beat back the sun with all the wispy force they had. The clouds choked the sun. It wanted to be sunny. It wanted to rain.
Sunday I talked to a girl. A girl was nice enough. A girl had a nice laugh and used it often. A girl was my friend. A girl wasn’t as skinny as She was. A girl wasn’t as perfect as She was. A girl had a nice laugh. A girl used it often. A girl was my friend. A girl was my friend.
A girl liked sunny days. Who doesn’t like sunny days? I wanted it to rain. Why wouldn’t it rain? It refused to rain. It refused to be sunny, either. Neither of us were satisfied.
Monday it rained. It started in the late afternoon. Early afternoon it toyed with idea. Vagrant drops leapt suicidally on tables and chairs. Early afternoon it wasn’t sure about raining. It could wait. It had waited this long. It wanted to rain. It toyed with the idea. Late afternoon it rained. The drops increased in size and frequency. Finally, it broke. The clouds relaxed their grip on their prisoners. They were free to plummet. It had wanted to rain. It felt so good to rain.
Monday I was running. It was late afternoon. It was raining. I was glad it was raining. I was running alone. Running alone in the rain is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a religious experience. It was a feeling that stripped away all pretenses. It was you. It was the ground. It was the sky. It was the rain. It was like being naked. Thoughts have full control of the body. Thoughts take the throne. The body is busy. Every thought you can have is thought. I thought about her. I toyed with the idea. I thought it was time. Wasn’t it almost a year ago? It had to be about this time. The thoughts had increased in size and frequency. It had to end. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t the rain. It wasn’t the year. It wasn’t a girl. It was time. It was raining.
I saw her when I was done running. We rode a bus. I sat behind her. I moved up to her.
“I’m glad you moved up.” She said.
“Yeah.” I said.
“Are you going to the thing tonight?”
“Yes.” I could wait. I had waited this long.
“Yeah, I think you’ll get in this year.”
“Yeah, I hope I get in, too.” She was already in the club.
There was a pause. My demeanor had changed. It didn’t mean to.
“Are you okay?” she asked. She expected a positive answer.
“No.” I said. “I need to talk to you about that.”
She knew. She knew it was over. She seemed to be hit. Hit by a tidal wave. The wave crashed dejectedly over her. She looked down and to the right. Not out the window. Outside held no interest to her. It was raining. I asked to talk to her after we got off. The noise was too loud for clear thought. Here, thoughts were not king. We sat. We sat, not looking at each other. We waited. It was a very long time. We got off the bus. I told her that it was time. I told her I still cared about her. But it was different. She said she understood. She didn’t. I didn’t either and so I didn’t blame her.
I walked away. I held my head up. The droplets of rain misted in my eye. It stung. I told myself it was rain and not tears. There were people around. I walked to my car. It was cold. It was enveloped by clouds. But no longer did I feel their weight. My mind had relaxed its grip on its prisoner. I was soggy. It had so wanted to rain.
It was raining.