Table of Contents
EvoNews! The Best
Of . . .
(Note: the Editor in Chief's added comments are shown in parentheses. Hey, just like this one! How about that?! Titles are links to the original stories.)
Atheist Forges Hippopotamus Idol Then Judges People
By GALE M. BRADFORD (and the Editor in Chief)
Special to the Star-Telegram (and Blind Fools)
WEATHERFORD - Anyone driving past Dick Hogan's 2-acre property probably does a double take (double take).
At the edge of a pond in his spacious side yard stands a life-size concrete hippopotamus (the animal credited with the most human deaths in Africa each year), mouth wide open, looking as if it were about to take a bite out of life (our your thigh).
A few rails are missing from his otherwise neat split-rail fence, moved by children who have blazed a path across his well-tended lawn to "ride" the hippo (There are also a few cards missing from his deck too).
"(Absolutely) Nobody drives by Dick Hogan's place that they don't enjoy what they see," said (claimed) Pct. 4 Parker County Commissioner Gary Plugge, who lives near the east Weatherford parcel where Hogan has built houses for himself and his son (male cub), a garage apartment for one of his two daughters (female cubs) and a redwood deck at the pond.
His lawn is always cared for. He has plenty of shrubbery, and flowers bloom in warm weather (In fact, he worships it).
"I judge a man by the way he takes care of his family, and he does a good job at that. He takes pride in his property, and he waves at you when he goes by," Plugge said (proclaimed).
(Well just who is HE to go around judging people, that holier-than-though fundamentalist extremist wacko!)
But a few times a year, Hogan is probably (but still maybe not) the most reviled man in Parker County.
When the Christmas creche is displayed in front of the county courthouse, Hogan (mockingly and with a lack of cultural sensitivity) puts up a sign promoting the winter solstice, a pagan holiday that signifies the longest night and shortest day of the year.
(Some) Passers-by hurl invectives at him (Like what?), and his sign is usually (but not always) spirited(<-- a religious term) away shortly after it is erected.
It's a paradox (Yes, atheists are): Hogan, Parker County's best(most)-known atheist, is looked upon (by some people) as a friendly and good neighbor except for his periodic (unfriendly) trips to the Parker County Courthouse to debate religious displays outside and, inside (And he's never once lost a debate to one of thes displays - they are always speechless), prayers sprinkled with the (offensive) word (name of) Jesus.
As reviled (by some people) as Hogan is in his public persona, he says (claims) he's a regular guy (Based on who's standards?) who, contrary to what some might (or might not) think (get ready folks - "straw man" statements ahead), ...
doesn't worship Satan (Yes, we all believe that people who don't believe in religion actually do practice religion - we ARE that ignernt),...
try to proselytize his neighbors (Then he must not be that confident that he's found truth then, huh?),...
pinch babes (Oh come on, Dick - we know you're a ladies man!) or...
eat live chickens (Are you judging those who do? What about foxes - do you judge them too?).
"We do eat chicken, but they're usually cooked," joked Hogan, 54 (That's atheist humor, folks - whew!).
His protests are not anti-religion (((spew))) but are pro-First Amendment rights, he said (claimed).
In his private life, Hogan is a workaholic (running from God), a builder (like Jesus) by trade and in his spare time.
He isn't much of a joiner, except for his membership in the American Atheists (a bunch of people who all think alike), where he is national treasurer (just like Judas was).
And while most of his neighbors decorate their homes and go to church for Easter this week, he'll attend (run like a raging hippo to) the 28th annual National Convention of American Atheists in Boston (where a bunch of people who all think alike get together and talk about proving something which doesn't exist actually does not exist), scheduled, as usual, for Easter weekend (Why not some other religious holiday? Hmmm?).
(Doesn't the fact that most of his neighbors worship the religious holiday prove that religion is true? Just like the fact that most scientists believe in evolution? Argument from concensus - Hmmm?)
The convention agenda is chock-full of (nuts) guest speakers, including abortion rights activist Bill Baird (That's a shocker - not!) and Michael Cuneo, author of American Exorcism (a book).
"We have different speakers (Bose, Pioneer and Kenwood just to name a few), even religious speakers (Which religions?). We have debates (Ginger vs. Mary Ann, Judy Jetson vs. Pebbles Flintstone, etc.). We hold seminars on how to get people involved in (our take on) First Amendment issues," Hogan said.
"I think (but I could be wrong) a recent poll shows only 10 percent of the population in the United States are atheists, and even fewer of that 10 percent will speak out." (I claim my scientist/evolution proof from concensus argument here too).
Hogan, who has lived in Parker County for 25 years, wears his atheist label publicly (It's a bright orange patch with a picture of Buddha and one of those "NO" circle/slashes on top).
"I'm proud to be an atheist because I'm a (and my atheist comrads are all like-minded) freethinker(s).
I've educated myself in the Bible and Christianity (and he didn't read ANY atheist books on the subject because he's a "free-thinker", remember?) because that's the predominant religion (That's the spin, anyway).
I've read a lot of Catholic stuff and Jewish stuff (and Mad Magazine, too).
"I grew up in the Baptist church (where I was never allowed to go outside of it - not even once) but began having doubts when I was about 15 (Yep, teenagers DO have all the answers - don't they).
When you read about people living 900 years and you read about the sun stopping (Gosh darnit, he's right - an almighty God couldn't do those thngs, could he! Okay, I'm now an atheist too) ... any child would question how that would happen (Well, who did you ask? What were the answers?)."
(You can read more of the original story by clicking on the title link above)
400 Million Year Old Living Fossils Haven't Changed A Bit
Wed Apr 3
By Ed Stoddard (& Ed N. Chief)
JOHANNESBURG [Reuters (Blind Fools)] - (Some) Scientists are launching (their half-pint submarinette to conduct) a major study of "living fossils" (which haven't evolved) in deep waters (that run still) off South Africa with the help of a small submersible craft that can probe to depths of 1,300 feet.
It is hoped (faith) that the mini-sub (named Jonah) -- which can fit only two people (in its belly) -- will shed light (with its large underwater flash lights) on the elusive coelacanth, a curious looking fish that has been swimming the seas for an astonishing 400 million years (and hasn't changed a bit).
"We want to have 19 days of diving (and 18 nights to parrr-tay! Woo hoo!)," said Dr. Philip Heemstra, a biologist with The South African Institute for Aquatic Bio-diversity (A multi-cultural research program).
The coelacanth -- nick-named "Old Four Legs" because of its extra, limb-like fins (or fin-like limbs, or lin-like fimbs, or whatever) -- was believed (wrongly, by scientists,) to have been extinct for 70 million years until one was caught in 1938 by a trawler off South Africa and identified by a museum curator (who was astonished that it hadn't evolved in 70 million years).
That catch (as well as a building-sized bug zapper disguised as a government grant application) stunned the scientific community and was widely regarded as the zoological find of the 20th century (other than Curious George, the monkey drawn as a chimpanzee).
Coelacanths were subsequently discovered near the Comoro Islands and Indonesia (vacationing on a Royal Indonesian Cruise Line ship), but South Africa's remained a (conspritorial) secret until late 2000, when deepwater scuba divers came across them by chance in Sodwana Bay off the country's northeast coast.
(More of the story can be read by clicking the title-link above.)
Fri Mar 8
By PAUL RECER, AP Science Writer (and the Editor in Chief, Blind Fools)
The color of the universe is not an intriguing pale turquoise, as (some) astronomers (scientists) recently (innacurately) announced. It's actually beige - and a rather ordinary beige at that (you think that offends The Gap?).
Two Johns Hopkins University astronomers (scientists) announced (mistakenly) in January they had averaged all the colors from the light of 200,000 galaxies and concluded that if the human eye could see this combined hue, it would be a sprightly pale green (the color of money?).
That, they (wrongly) said (claimed), was the (official) color of the universe (sponsored by Kodak).
But Karl Glazebrook and Ivan (rug on my head) Baldry said (claimed) Thursday that their conclusion was wrong (wrong wrong).
They had been tripped up (victimized) by (er . . . um . . .) flawed software (Yeah, flawed software. That's the ticket!) that was uncovered by color engineers (more scientists) who checked their data.
"It is embarrassing (yes it is)," Glazebrook said. "But this is science (is it?). We're not like politicians (oh, trying to shift the focus?!). If (when) we make mistakes, we admit them (or blame it on the software - hee hee). That's how science works (yes it is)."
The effect of the error was that the computer (programmed by a scientist or a monkey hacking at the keyboard) picked a nonstandard white (unless they're wrong about THAT color too) from its electronic palette and mixed it with the other colors to come up with the turquoise.
When the error was corrected and replaced with a standard white index, beige was the result (until someone else comes along and corrects THEIR mistakes), Glazebrook said (claimed).
"It looks like beige," he said (squinting). "I don't know what else to call it ("Desert Sand"?). I would welcome suggestions (stop blaming the computer maybe?)."
In January, Baldry called the turquoise "cosmic spectrum green." But the pair offered no fancy name for the new beige hue (How about "comical spacey dune"?).
To find this average color, Glazebrook and Baldry gathered light from galaxies out to several billion light years (and put it into their bug jar with holes punched into the lid).
They processed the light to break it into the various colors - similar to how a prism turns sunlight into a rainbow.
They averaged the color values for all the light and converted it to the primary color scale seen by the human eye.
Glazebrook said (claimed) the underlying data was correct. The problem (supposedly) came when the scientific data was converted into a hue compatible with the perception of the human eye.
(Okay folks, here comes the amusing attempt to "save face" similar to blaming it on the software programmer previously. I'll leave these remarks unedited . . .)
The astronomer said that expressing the color for popular viewing was not even part of the original scientific experiment. They did it "as a lark."
"We were doing this as an amusing footnote to our paper," said Glazebrook. "Then there was a huge media thing. We were completely overwhelmed. We didn't expect it to get so big."
Get Your Big Fat Tail Out Of The Way
and
Stay Out Of The Left-Hand Lane Whydon'tcha?!
Wed Feb 27
By Patricia Reaney (and the Editor in Chief)
LONDON - Tyrannosaurus rex, the mighty predator (or scavenger) that lived (supposedly) about 85 million (million million) years (years years) ago (ago ago), was probably (but still maybe not) just a plodder and not the quick-footed killer depicted in Hollywood blockbusters (cough::Jurrasic Park::cough - what else could they have been wrong about?!), (some) scientists said (claimed) on Wednesday.
Far from chasing its prey at speeds of up to 45 mph, as some (scientific) studies have suggested (proven up until now?), the fearsome (looking) creatures may not have (or still may have) been able to run at all.
"These animals were no speed demons (is this another scientific suggestion, or fact? and why the religious reference?)," John Hutchinson, of Stanford University in California, said (claimed) in an interview (with someone).
The biologist who specializes in the (theoretical) evolution of movement said (claimed) the science of how animals move shows (suggests?) that big creatures (how big is big?) do not go fast (how fast is fast?).
At about 40 feet long, up to 20 feet tall and weighing about 13,000 pounds, Tyrannosaurus rex was very big (huge, stupendous, humongous, behemothesque, wow, a biggun).
Hutchinson and Mariano Garcia, of Borg-Warner Automotive in Ithaca, New York, created a computer program to analyze (vehicular exhaust emissions, as well as) animal motion and determine (suggest?) how fast large dinosaurs (and British double-decker buses) could move.
Writing in the (evolutionary) science journal Nature ("is all there ever was, is, or will be"), they calculated that two-legged T. rex would have needed impossibly massive leg muscles to generate enough force to support its huge body at a very fast running pace (maybe there was less gravity back then?).
"It has been known for a long time (but only by scientists) that as things get bigger, they don't move as fast relative to their size and in fact as they get really, really big, they can't run at all (and if they get really, really, really big, they sit around all day and watch those who can run fast play sports)," said (claimed) Garcia.
"But until now, no one that I know of (or don't know of) has tried to predict the cutoffs, which is what we are doing (are you trying or doing?)."
Because dinosaurs are extinct the scientists had very little to go on (well duh?! does this go for evolution too?).
Fossils of smaller dinosaurs indicate (scientifically suggest?) that they moved fast but there is no similar evidence for their bigger cousins (then why did scientists "suggest" so in the first place? - hmmmmm?).
Hutchinson and Garcia incorporated the impact of posture, center of mass, leg weight, total weight and torque, the twisting force that muscles need to apply about the joints, (type of clothing worn, brand of jogging shoe, wind resistance, whether a smoker or not, etc.), into their program.
They tested its accuracy by using data from living animals (I guess dead animals would have thrown the readings off a tad).
When they tested the model on a T. rex (known as the "Model T" test) running about 45 mph (the dino, not the car) their calculations showed it would have needed 43 percent of its body weight in each leg as supportive muscle (they also showed that all T-Rexs were porobably white).
"Our model shows that these really fast speeds of 50 mph and probably down to even 25 mph just don't hold up when you really scrutinize them and look at the physics," Hutchinson explained (claimed).
"It (like evolution) doesn't make a lot of sense that these animals could go that fast. There's really no good evidence that they could (that's never stopped evolutionary scientists before)."
To prove their point they scaled up a chicken to the size of T. rex (using that laser thingy from 'Honey, I Shrunk The Kids') and found the giant chicken probably would not have (but still maybe could have) been able to stand.
Scientists Find Jurassic Age Dinosaur Vomit
(Editors note: This is the actual news headline. I did not make this up!)
Mon Feb 11
LONDON - (Some bloody) British scientists said Monday they had discovered what they believed (faith) to be the world's oldest fossilized vomit (that took millions of years to fossilize?) from a large marine reptile that lived 160 million (million million) years (years years) ago.
Professor Peter (I'm Gonna Hurl) Doyle of the University of (I'm Turning) Greenwich in London said the vomit found in a clay quarry (next to a fossilized toilet) in northern England shed new light on the diet and eating (and abusive drinking) habits of the ichthyosaur -- a Jurassic Age fish-like (wino of a) reptile with a long head, tapered body and four flippers (and a weak stomache).
"We believe (faith) that this is the first time the existence of fossil vomit on a grand scale has been proven beyond (our) reasonable doubt," Doyle said (with a straight face).
Other examples of fossilized vomit have been discovered (and they admit that?!), but Doyle and Dr. Jason (AA) Wood of Britain's Open (Bar) University said their sample was the oldest (Nana-Nana Boo-Boo!!!).
"These are the oldest, definitely, ("definitely"??? - It said earlier that this is what they "believed" - Hmmmm)" Doyle said (claimed), adding that there was (his) scientific evidence to back it up.
Doyle and Wood presented their findings at (Happy Hour of) a paleontology conference (sponsored by Epicac) and plan to submit (regurgitate) them for publication in a peer-review journal (Mad Magazine).
The vomit contains (mass quantities of hops and barley, as well as) the shells of dozens of belemnites, tiny shellfish that were found in abundance in the water around Britain. They were a staple food for extinct marine reptiles (how do extinct marine reptiles eat? - just kidding, don't hit me).
The(se) scientists are convinced (believe?) the sample is vomit (I'm sure their moms are proud) because of the way the belemnite shells were scattered (ewwwww - gross!) in the fossilized sample.
A microscopic examination also showed the shells had been etched by stomach acid from the digestive fluid of the marine creatures (I'm sorry, that's way too much info).
Skeletons of ichthyosaurs (who could hold their liquor better than these wimps) with stomach contents intact have previously been found, but the belemnite shells were quite unpalatable and usually expelled from the body.
Doyle said (claimed) it was unlikely (but not totally ruled out that) the shells passed through the ichthyosaur's intestines because they would have damaged the soft (toilet) tissue.
"The only alternative is that the shells were vomited out (Blech!), in much the same way that modern-day sperm whales (as well as the Editor in Chief) regurgitate the indigestible beaks of squid they have eaten," he said.
(Ichthyosaurs don't let ichthyosaurs drink and drive.)
"I Told You We Should Have Stayed
in New York, Dahlingk!"
A Darwin Award Contender
Monday November 26
BUDAPEST - The annual pre-Christmas swine slaughter (initiated by Jesus himself) in a southwestern Hungarian village came to a shocking end on Saturday after one man died of electrocution while trying to stun a pig (named Arnold Ziffel), whose owner (Oliver Wendell Douglass) then died of a heart attack (leaving a widow behind, Lisa Douglas).
Celebrations at the pig-killing (murder) party in Darvaspuszta (translation: Green Acres) took a turn for the worse when an unnamed visiting Croatian (swine of a) man (rumored to be Sam Drucker, a smalltown store owner) shocked himself to death while trying to knock out a pig with a homemade electric pig stunner (which he had named "Old Sparky"), national news agency MTI said.
A local man (Joe Carson) ended up in hospital with an irregular heart rhythm (at least this is what had been "murmured" about) after attempting a rescue by trying to unplug the device (though the doctors said his weight problem could have been the cause of his cardio pulmonary disfunction as well).
The accident so upset the pig's owner (a.k.a. Eddie ALbert), he suffered a heart attack and died (leaving a widow behind, a.k.a. Eva Gabor).
There was no word on the fate of the pig (because everyone was eating bacon and ham therefore too busy to talk).
(When asked why they do the pig slaughter they said, "Because we are Hungary, Dahlingk!")
From the "We All Come From the Same Stuff Anyway, So What's the Big Deal?" Department:
Wednesday November 21
Brits are flooding exclusive US stockists with orders for the brew, called Kopi Luwak (english translation: "good to the last dropping"), made from berries that have passed through the digestive system (and out the bung holes) of Indonesian monkeys.
Unlucky coffee plantation staff (who are lucky that they have a job) have to search through the dung to gather the bizarre (according to who's standards?) "harvest" of coffee berries (and peanuts?), which are said to emerge virtually intact (with other . . . "stuff").
Experts reckon (Jed Clampett used to say "reckon" too) the monkey business gives the drink a unique "earthy" taste (I bet it does), which has made it the most expensive and sought-after coffee in the world (proving that a fool and his money are soon parted).
It is in such short supply (because all the monkeys are constipated at the moment) - just 500 lb of it is harvested a year - that it is virtually impossible to get hold of in Britain (lucky for them) and has only limited availability in the States and Japan (maybe they should check eBay?).
Experts (on monkey dung coffee?) say the brew first came to light (after emerging from dark primate intestinal tracks) hundreds of years ago, when explorers sampled it on the Indonesian isles of Java, Sumatra and Sulawesi (in which the natives are known to be notorious practical jokesters).
The monkey - known as the Palm Toddy Cat - lives on a diet of alcoholic tree sap (which makes drinking the monkey's urin a pleasurable experience too) and coffee berries (which later form into dingle berries).
US-based food and drink critic Chris Rubin said: "Whether it's because the intestinal juices give some special flavour ("mmm - special flavor," as Homer Simpson would say) or because it eats only perfectly ripe berries, the Toddy Cat's droppings produce what many (deranged and devolved individuals) say is the world's finest coffee."
Some exclusive US outlets (not to be confused with US "toilets") sell Kopi Luwak for around a FIVER a cup (I hope they get to keep the cup).
US Coffee supplier Mark Mountanos (who hopefully washes his hands on a regular basis) has snapped up 110 lb of the beans.
He said: "We've had interest from all over the world because it is very hard to get hold of (because monkey's are very agressive with anyone snooping around their bung holes)."
US coffee shop owner Richard
Karno ordered a pound from Mark's firm - but only after he
convinced him it wasn't a joke (that's where you're wrong - it
IS a cosmic joke probably initiated by Lucifer himself).
He said: "It's the best coffee I've ever tasted (other than that time he dug some week-old beans out of the garbage disposal and brewed them a second time).
It smells musty, but it roasts up real nice."
(Starbucks plans to change its name to Starbutts and sell Kopi Luwak exclusively.)
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