I, Advocate of Murphy, hereby present to you my exploits in Diablo public gaming. Most of you will find these stories humorous, though others will not. The latter I cannot help. This page is best viewed if you have "Papyrus" font. If you don't have this font style, click here to download it in zipped version (100kb). It gives the page a whole new look. To install it, click Start -> Settings -> Control Panel -> Fonts. Click to "Install New Font," find where you unzipped it, select it and click "Add." Before you begin reading, let me introduce you to my cast of characters. "Pixip" is a Sorcerer, a dual Geezer Cleric variant. "MissCleo!" and "MissCleo!!" are both rogues who act like the famous tarot card infomercial woman. "Loof" is a Gremlin variant. "Loof" is "Fool" backwards. "InsuranceAgent" is a mage that sells "PK Insurance." "AntiquePopsicle" is a mage, a BNM by trade. His equipment has some rather  interesting side-effects... such as turning him into a Lich. "We both found it, so it's legit to dupe it." said a cheater, justifying the duplication of a Ring of Engagement so both clvl 26 warriors could have one.

The Youngin' Crashers & a Mini-Rant Wild Goose Chase Pride & Ignorance (& Homicide) Just Plain Killin' Something With "Legit" in the Title A Fool in the Tale Princess Land A Picture is Worth 10000027 HPs Knight of Miss Ouri Wrong Door "Extra Options" An Argument Caution: Objects in Mirror Are Dumber than They Appear A-B-C's for Public Gamers Witlessness is Next to Godliness

My character, InsuranceAgent (seller of PK insurance), randomly typed in a game name ("Legits only" or some such) and Bnet whisked him off to Tristram. Well, shortly thereafter   a player by the name of ~ExtremeSpeed~ enters. He's obviously a cheater, so I try to get him to admit it. I felt that assuming the role of the judge from the movie My Cousin Vinny would be fitting for conversing with him. After reading the following dialogue, you might agree.

"Son, a clvl 13 mage wearin' plate and havin' over 200 hps just ain't normal," I informed the warrior. "You cheat?"

"My friend got this for   me from hell," he replies.

"Is that a GPoW, son?" I reckon he don't wanna answer me, so I pressure him. "You gonna answer me, boy?"

"No."

"Why do you reckon it is cheaters never admit to it? Do they know it's wrong?... Or do they just think people will laugh at 'em?" He don't speak a'tall, so I continue. "Because it's awfully funny, son. I know a couple a fellas right here who are laughing their asses off at you."

"You suck!"

"I reckon that's just a bit rude, son."

"I'm not your   son!!"

"Course not, boy. I'd never raise such a rude liar as yourself."

"I'm not your   boy either!!" A moment passes. "How old r u?"

"Quid pro quo, son. You answer me, I answer you."

"Shut up!!"

"That's just a tad rude, son. I reckon we better take this outside."

"Yeah !!!" and he up and left the game right there.

This time I'm using a character named "MissCleo!", named after   the tarot card woman seen on infomercials. (Oddly enough, "MissCleo" without the exclamation mark was already taken.) I enter a game named "Legits only." 3 mages meet me. One was named {{{EcHo}}}, a very original person was named "Naj," and another   person was "MJN" or perhaps "NJT" - I really cannot remember.

They had apparently gotten themselves not only stair trapped but also portal trapped. I took one of their portals and hit new game immediately. It was utterly swarmed with 'Rogs and snakes. Screen-to-screen monsters. If they are as inept as I think they are, this is merely an accident. Otherwise, it's a deadly Hell Diff MK trap. It seemed like the latter, but I didn't care.

So I fetched a tank mage to act as drano and I cleared the stairs for them. Funny, just after I cleared the stairs I was autokilled. That's gratitude for you. What next? The one known as {{{EcHo}}} crashed the game. "Legits only" indeed.

Bnet public games are at the mercy of prepubescent morons who can't speak their native language and get their   kicks using toys they downloaded that were programmed by people with the lowest self-esteem on earth. The only way these programmers can make themselves feel good is by programming something that entertains people who can't figure out how to work the program in the first place because they read at a first grade level (if that). But I digress. ;)

Using "MissCleo!!" (two exclamation marks because this is a second incarnation), I entered a game named "no pks." 3 clvl 25s greeted me, each decked out in their   very own GPoW. (It was quite obvious, but I decided not to hassle them about it.) One of them immediately started a "PK countdown" while in town, saying that he was going to count to 0 from 10 and then kill me. Naturally, as we were all in town such did not occur when the countdown expired, but I played with it anyway. So I walked off and hid someplace in town.

I promptly declare, "Miss Cleo has drawn the Death Card! She will murder you all!"

A warrior named Harpua was quick to panic, spamming "It was joke" a few times.

"Put the spam back in the can!" I told him. He was amused, but informed me that he didn't "liek" spam.

But Miss Cleo wasn't going to let them relax, "Miss Cleo is gonna rip out your entrails and use them in her   voodoo!"

One named Jef piped up, "Were r u?"

"Miss Cleo awaits you on 13! Come and die, pigs!"

Harpua repeats his previous "It was joke" spam.

After   a few minutes, they went down and said "Were r u?" again. This time I told them I was on 14   and that they were too slow to catch me. After   awhile, I muted two of them and told one of them the following... "Shh, Harpua, Miss Cleo will tell you something funny. You want to hear?"

"Ok"

"Tell not Jef or the other   one... Miss Cleo is... and has been this entire game... in town!"

Harpua replies with "lol."

So I unmute the other two and taunt them, saying that Lazarus shall be mine and that they are too slow. But then Harpua rats me out, so I hide behind the Catacombs, though I am found soon after. (As basic as my hiding was, I honestly didn't expect them to be intelligent enough to find me.) One thing left to do... I run over to the church and block the entrance.

"Help! I have become lodged in the doorway!" They come and see.

The two warriors laugh it up and stand next to me. After   they finish laughing they say they've trapped me, so I simply walk out of the "trap." I laugh and block the doorway again. They are obviously a bit surprised that they weren't able to trap me. So I demonstrate another   one of my powers, the ability to turn and face another   direction while standing in place! In the dungeon, one needs only to swing a weapon or   cast a spell to change direction. But in town it is different, and it is a well-kept secret spoken only in hushed whispers. It is known as ATP, and I cannot divulge its secrets here. But if you'd like to find out, you can always stalk me when you see me on Bnet. Or   you can ask Lemming.

So I change my direction while in place and immediately a call rings out...

"HACKER!!"

Haha! What, he thinks I used townkill to teleport? Sorry, that can't work. Teleport takes you to a different square, it doesn't rotate you. But I merely shrug it off and laugh at him. So they get irritated.

Jef, the most violent of the group, says, "Let sea wat your   made of."

But I was bound by sacred duty! "I cannot let you pass. I am the sacred church guard."

They think that's funny too, so they spam me again. I spam them back, with version spam: Diablo v1.09 (F11 hotkey). They call me weird and say they're going to hell. Though for a few minutes Jef hangs back, hoping I'll move and he can chase me again. I left soon afterward, thoroughly amused by the whole situation.

I find "Legit only" through random game name join attempts. It's a lowbie game, and I'm clvl 36 (using MissCleo!! again). The first character I see is a clvl 3 mage who's sporting 175 hps. His graphics look normal (red cloth robe & staff). He's likely just a twink. I point this out to the warrior   who's in the game, though he doesn't seem to mind. We get to talking about Hellfire and the easter egg classes, which he says he's never been able to access. I help him with that, and then he scans me and says I'm a cheater. Or, rather, a "hacker" as would be the appropriate newbie-ism, as well as the term he uttered.

Oh, it's the typical dumbass scanner garbage, "You have zods" and "You have stormshield."

I say, "And your objection to stormshield is?" He doesn't reply. I do a quick inventory of my jewelry and tell him, "I have *1* zodiac item, an amulet. Non-prefixed. I didn't take any items from public gamers."

He says "Yes you did." Oh, as if he would know? He gets it in his head to scan me again, then says "Oh ya, you not all hacked up." Well, gee, what have I been telling him?

At about this time a new guy enters who I shall name "Dark Shape." He's a clvl 8 warrior decked out in plate and sporting around 250 hps. This is gonna be a long night, and scanner baby doesn't make it any better.

The scanner baby takes one scan at Dark Shape and speaks the obvious (though in newbie terms), "Your   hacked!"

I hate it when newbies say that. It turns the battle of "You're cheating in a legit game." into a battle of semantics and it doesn't get to the point: The person is CHEATING. Similarly, I cannot stand it when people label things as "gay," such as being killed by a monster. And what really gets me are people on the Lurker Lounge forums calling styles "variants!" But I digress.

Dark Shape naturally denies it, "No I'm not."

I inform him otherwise, "You cheat, it is obvious. That's likely a GPoW, judging by your hps. It's a hacked item."

He replies, "No it isn't. Hacked items are unstable and morph when you join a new game."

*GKK* If there's one thing that gets me, it's ignorance being pushed on other people. I will NOT have him "educating" people on topics he knows nothing about.

"GPoW is a stable hacked item. It *had* to be hacked into existence. No monster can drop it, and Wirt is the only one who could possibly sell those affixes. However, they exceed his price cap when on Full Plate Mail and therefore it is an impossible item. Somebody hacked it into being a long time ago."

"No, it's just duped."

"Yes, that's how it got around. And it's an illegitimate item, but it's still a hacked item that is stable. Not all hacked items are unstable."

"Yes they are, like Legendary armor."

"Of course something called that would be unstable - the enchantment doesn't exist in the game!"

"It's hacked and unstable. All hacks are unstable."

Ugh. "No, GPoW is stable because the enchantments are compatible. A Godly/Stars plate, on the other   hand, would be unstable as the enchantments are not compatible."

At this point the scanner baby seems to have extracted (through use of a trainer) an AAA from Dark Shape's pack. (Note: Scanner baby is now trainer brat.) He states the obvious, saying it's hacked because it has 255 charges. Dark Shape says Arch Angel's enchantment gives it that.

GAAHH!!! "No, Arch-Angel's gives it +2 Spell levels. 'Bountiful' and 'Plentiful' enchantments add to spell charges. 255 charges were hacked onto that item."

Dark Shape says nothing, and we argue more about whether or not hacked items can be stable. Eventually he says, "I've had Diablo since it came out."

Oh, you wanna go that way? That "I'm a newbie with tenure" crap? You're out of your league. I'll Jarulfinize your ass.

*Summons up 4 years of Diablo gaming and general knowledge*

"Godly is a qlvl 60 enchantment. Wirt is the only source for such enchantments. Whale, also qlvl 60, is compatible with Godly. While the two enchantments can co-exist on the same item, the game cannot generate such enchantments on Full Plate Mail because this item - which would have to be sold by Wirt as it cannot generate elsewhere - is above the maximum cash amount that Wirt can sell. Now, these enchantments are able to co-exist because of a simple rule: Qlvl of the lower affix cannot be lower than half the value of the higher affix. However, Qlvl 25+ enchantments - while some are lower than half of 60 - can combine with qlvl 60 affixes. For this reason, Ages (qlvl 25), Osmosis (qlvl 60), and Whale (qlvl 60) are all compatible - stable - enchantments when paired with Godly. This is why you might've seen GPOO, GPOA, and GPOW. They're all hacked, but they're all stable."

He panics, wondering what the f* I'm talking about and says I'm BS'ing him. I tell him this is very well known information among long-time veterans, so he wonders why people never talk about it in public games. (As if they're veterans? Having Diablo "since it came out" - as most public game newbies claim as their time of purchasing the game - does NOT mean two weeks ago.) Well, duh. I tell him the truth: Long-time gamers know public games suck for serious gaming. He wonders why I'm here. I tell him the truth: You are my playthings. You amuse me. :P The conversation eventually gets to where I got the qlvls, and how do I know my source is accurate. Jarulf's Guide provided the stats - which are consistent with my gameplay and everyone else's - which were learned by reading the hex. (Hmm, I think it was hex reading. *shrug*) I direct him to the LL and tell him to look for Jarulf's Guide.

He then breaks down, saying he was a know-it-all dumbass. (First time one ever did that on me.) I say nothing, and merely go on about the various topics of interest in Jarulf's Guide. For fun, I provide him with the warrior's melee damage calculation, which he uses to figure out his fist damage is 12, as is displayed by the character statistic screen. We ramble about various issues, such as stunlocking monsters. The hard part was leading the horse to water. I just hope he drinks. ;)

After that exhausting episode he asks for a port to hell, so I go to 13 and gladly send one. (I was in the mood for some killin' after all that. ;) One of two things will occur, and either would be fine with me.

Door #1: He could play cooperatively, to which I'd have no objection. (It'd also be amusing to see the clvl 10 battle. It'd be funny if something killed him in his decked out gear :P)

Door #2: He could try to kill me, which I would find very amusing.

He chose Door #1. Lucky him, he doesn't have to tangle with a 271 AC Rogue with max blocking, max resists, 300% To Hit, a KSoSpeed, and Stormy. ;)

During the long argument between Dark Shape and myself, the trainer brat left and one of InsuranceAgent's clients happened to join. She had no claims to make. After she left a clvl 25 warrior entered named X_Treme~Axe~ or   some such. He was in-game when Dark Shape and I went to Hell. He followed us and, happy for me, he chose to go with Door #2.

Xtreme, an axe warrior sporting 300+ hps, came over and swung at me. Whoops! Miss :P Miss again! Missed again! Oh, can't you hit me? I suppose not! Oh well. :P I teleport away and continue killing. He is no threat. :P Then he goes after Dark Shape, which irks me. I know the li'l un cheats, but dammit, nobody attacks my protégé. Dark Shape dies to Xtreme. (Kinda odd that his GPoW couldn't hold up. :P )

I admonish Xtreme, "Not nice."

Xtreme starts walking away (as he has learned not to try for me) when I teleport next to him and quickly smack down his Mana Shield like a pinata. He squirms away, so execute telekill to finish him off.

*SPLAT!*
*gold piles fall like rain*

Ah, now THAT is a pinata!

Finally getting into role, "The cards neva lie, and the Death Card was for you!"

I resurrect Dark Shape and we proceed quickly down to level 14 (as the stairs were near us already). After   we'd cleared one room on 14, Xtreme had come back. This time he has 500+ hps. (Hmm, think he went to put on a GPoW? :P )

He tires to hit me again. Never manages to hit me. (Note to dumbass: GPoW does not help your crappy To Hit.) I attack him, but I miss every time. ("Yup, that's a Gee-Pow alright.") He teleports away, and I follow, using teleflash this time. Ouch, did that hurt? >:D That sliced off his MS, and he poofs away again. He puts up another MS, so I walk over and flash him again. As prey, he doesn't like me very much, so he tries to telekill Dark Shape. That's naughty. I teleflash again - carefully so as not to be near Dark Shape when the Flash goes off - and Xtreme's MS falls. Two more flashes and Xtreme paints the floor of hell with a merry cherry-red bodily syrup. He then gets fuming mad and uses many cliche expletives. I tell him that my uber slvl 9 Flash must've been too much for his pathetic GPoW. >8D He accuses me of cheating and the whole bit, then stomps up and down until he poofs out of existence, thereby leaving the game. I collect his ear as a souvenir. I'll save it to use in some voodoo, or maybe some Ear Drop Soup. ;) (Egg Drop Soup :P )

At about that time it was 1 AM, so I bid a g'night to everyone and left. But I must admit, the would-be PK was highlight of my game. :) And I was pleasantly surprised that I actually convinced someone to follow facts rather than dogmatic public Bnet newbie-isms.

Spirit Angel & Turkey Smasher are in a game entitled "Legit Only No Newbies Please." The action begins on dlvl 2 when Turkey takes a swing at Spirit. Sage - my character - wanders away so to keep out of the way in case of a possible skirmish.

30 seconds later Turkey Smasher shows up behind Sage. He is mysteriously NOT killing anything, whereas Sage is. Knowing the general purpose of this kind of behavior, I stay on my guard. Within a minute he takes a swipe at me, doing a very decent amount of damage... too much for a clvl 2. Sage had pumped vit exclusively, and at the time he was clvl 3. (That's forty-five hps.) Turkey was able to reduce his hps from near-full to a mere sliver. After slaying the horde of scavengers that was bearing down on me, I took a few pot shots at Turkey. He came back with a storm of Charged Bolts, so I drained my SSoCB (Short Staff of Charged Bolt) on him. He seemed to have an endless supply of mana. After killing me he resurrected me.

As Marius says in D2, "What choice did I have? I ran..."

...Around a corner, equipped a buckler, and prepared to ambush! Blast him! Die!! My shield of haste... hit... him... dammit...

GAH! *He resurrects me*
GAH! *He resurrects me*
GAH! *He resurrects me*

Spirit: "Who died?"

Sage: "Me"

Spirit: "Where are you?"

Sage: "Lying on a bookcase"

And within a few minutes, Spirit had showed up. She promptly roasted Turkey.

Spirit: "Happy?"

Sage: "Eh, not really. That was a typical cheater   kill."

Turkey: "Yeah. Spirit, why'd you make a legit game if you're not legit?"

Spirit: "It keeps PKs out."

Somebody's delusional...

Spirit: *resurrects both of us*

Sage: *tries to carve the Turkey again*

Turkey: *kills Sage again*

Sage: "Bah, what armor?"

Turkey: "86"

What a Turkey! He's a twinkie if not a cheater...

Spirit: *resurrects me again*

Sage: *goes after Turkey again*

Turkey: *walks away*

Sage: *turns and goes after Spirit...misses every time*

Turkey: *turns and goes after Spirit...hits more often than not*

Spirit: *fireballs the both of us*

Spirit: "Are you nuts?"

Sage: "No, it's April Fool's Day!"

Spirit: "Oh" *resurrects us again*

It was actually April 14th...

Turkey & Sage: *attack Spirit repeatedly and get res'd over and over*

Sage: *equips bow & shoots Spirit... runs off... dies to a shot in the back*

Spirit: *resurrects Sage*

Sage: "Ok, I wasn't ready." *attacks Spirit*

Spirit: *resurrects Sage & boasts about Eaglehorn*

More attack-the-Spirit antics go on, prompting her to ask questions like "Are you having fun?" etc. It was rather humorous, actually. If I posed *absolutely* no threat, why did she keep killing me? She wasn't laughing, afterall. :P Ah, well, I got her back later in the game when someone appeared and took us to Hell. Have a look... ;)

Pixip is a helper by nature. It fits very well with his Geezerly Cleric variant. He helps people out with information sometimes (if they can decipher it), but for the most part he's a quick draw with Heal Other. He also always has a supply of Scrolls of Resurrect. Unfortunately, he's a Geezer with problems. He's had so many strokes that his speech comes out scrambled. You or I might say "What's that?" but Pixip would say "That what's?" Long sentences are something he tries to avoid.

Pixip enters the game to find 3 other people.

After conversing with Pixip, two players promptly leave the game. ( Just as well, one was a cheater and was trying to pass around hacked/duped gear - an obvious cheater as well.) The third person (later found to be a hacked character of the trainer kind) remains and tries talking to Pixip. He becomes confused and asks where Pixip is from.

"Tristram am I from."

He asks, "Where's that?"

Oh, honestly!! How could he not know?!

"Sanctuary," I reply.

In the D2 manual it's revealed that the world of Diablo is called "Sanctuary." I didn't expect him to know this, but it fit Pixip's theme. Probably should've said "Khanduras" though. Oh well.

"Uh, right," he says.

"Friend old Cain of am I," I tell him.

"Ok..."

At this point I left to get a character who can handle dlvl 6 (the warrior was fighting in the caves, so I could simply ignore him by playing on 6), but upon return to Bnet the game is found to have closed. Pixip returns and makes a game for himself: "Old Folks' Home (Legit)"

Two people enter, a Rogue and a Warrior.

Warrior asks if anyone has any uniques. Pixip presents him with a Blackoak Shield. The Warrior is pleased and asks for more. Pixip remains silent as to not encourage or confuse him (as Pixip's speech would surely dumbfound the poor fellow), and then offers him a Clumsy Staff of the Mind. He and the Rogue laughed at it and the warrior describes finding a "Bent Dagger of Uselessness." Pixip explains that "Useless" is a prefix, not a suffix, but he was ignored because a new person had entered the game - a mage.

The mage said "brb" and lagged out. He returned with the news that (GASP!) everyone in the game was... was... LEGIT! Pixip could've told him *that*, and quoted the "A fool with a tool is still a fool." line, adding something to the effect that one can use their brain more effectively than a scanner. His wisdom, like that pertaining to the prefix "Useless," was once again ignored.

A few minutes later the Warrior left for dinner, the Mage lagged out, and a new character came in. His name was "YourDeathWish" only spelled backwards ("hsiwhtaedruoy"). This by itself was a tip-off that he might be up to mischief, so Pixip was wary of him. The Rogue leaves, and just then...

~DRACO~ the Bnet Village Idiot has entered the game!

Draco: "You cheat" he says to YourDeathWish (henceforth YDW).

YDW: "No I don't"

Draco: "Yes you do. I'll scan you"

In the short time YDW had been in the game, his level had risen from 13 to 50. It was obvious to Pixip, who had not yet seen YDW, that he cheated.

Draco: "Your hacked"

YDW: "No I'm not. You can't prove that."

Draco: "1000 hps"

YDW: "140"

Draco: "No. Your hacked."

YDW:   *says something about killing folks*

Draco: "I use anti-PK."

YDW: "Those don't work anyway, hehe."

Draco: "You'll see."

At this point Pixip needed to visit town, so he TP'd up. On his way to Adria he ran into Draco, a normal-looking mage, and YDW, a hackeduptheass Warrior   with 1040 hps.

Pixip decided to abandon his role of senile old codger and intervene. Mute was used to say something directly to one player or the other. Anyway, they banter a bit more and Pixip steps in.

Pixip: "Draco, he *will* kill you."

Draco: "No my hacks are good."

YDW: "Coward. You have to cheat and use hacks."

Well, YDW's sure one to talk, isn't he? But his goal is to annoy Draco, and anyone else that will become irritated with him - this much is obvious. The way to combat YDW is to simply not allow him to annoy you. But at that very moment Draco shows for the first time the depth of his incompetence with this classic line!

Oookkk... That made me laugh so hard my dentures fell out right at Adria's feet!

Draco and YDW go down Pixip's portal (to dlvl 6). Sigh, and Pixip could've gotten more exp there. Oh well, it was somewhat expected... There's some stuff left on dlvl 5 anyway...

Meanwhile, Draco and YDW banter a bit more. Pixip tries to let Draco in on the fact that YDW is just trying to annoy him and that he should simply ignore YDW. Draco doesn't reply and continues arguing. I start to wish that YDW will just kill Draco and get it over with.

*Mage death sound*

YDW taunts Draco for his ineptness. Draco needs to learn that his brain is a much better 3rd party program than anything that he can download. But he won't learn that today.

Draco comes back to life somehow, either by resurrection or restart & return via TP - I'm not really sure. At any rate, YDW notices that Draco's hps are changing and broadcasts the information. 600...800...1000... Draco INSISTS that he's doing it legitimately, with items. Yeah, right. :P (Later on Pixip sees Draco and confirms that he had indeed hacked himself.) Draco and YDW get into a fight about who's the hacked one and who's the legit one. Draco was being used - goaded into an argument that had no winner - and he didn't have the slightest clue, even after Pixip clued him in.

"It's the good advice that you just didn't take..."

Draco then starts saying that he's going to kill YDW over and over and over to "teach him a lesson." YDW says he won't learn one, and then I tell Draco that YDW *WILL NOT* learn any lesson. Draco sticks to his guns and says that YDW'll learn one. Draco just doesn't realize it'd be impossible to "teach him a lesson" in ANY situation. Furthermore, violence begets violence.

*repeat Warrior death sounds followed by resurrection beams appearing in town*

Draco flaunts his prowess with a fake legitimate character on trainer   wheels. He then threatens to kick YDW off Bnet "for a long time" and starts spamming his foul non-customized hotkey messages.

Pixip: "Draco, stop it. You're just ruining the game. You're letting him get to you."

Draco: "Shut up! I'll kick you off Bnet, too!"

Pixip: "Draco, leave. You're letting YDW get to you and it's making you into a real asshole."

Well, after some more arguments Draco begins a countdown and then goes down a portal. YDW leaves the game - presumably by crash-out. Draco comes up and starts apologizing to a warrior who'd come in during this whole mess, saying that he doesn't mean to but "you'll be off Bnet for awhile, too." He resorts to bluffs because he no longer has any cards in his hand, and not as much a dead roach in a hamster   wheel within his head.

He crashes the game.

Pixip returns to Bnet (Wow, kicked off Bnet, eh?) and finds Draco. Pixip points out to Draco that by allowing YDW to annoy him he allowed himself to be turned into a jerk that ruined everyone's game. Draco insists that it's all YDW's fault. (Because he can't ignore people like YDW? Sorry, that doesn't wash.) Furthermore, it was apparently Pixip's fault the whole thing happened because I didn't ask YDW to leave. Pixip points out that YDW wouldn't leave (unless, perhaps, he felt he couldn't hook any victims - hint, hint, Draco), and that Draco sure didn't leave when HE was asked. Draco had no reply other than to say I was acting "like a priest." I'm a cleric! :P

Anyway, the game wasn't really ruined for me. It was rather amusing, though it's disappointing that Draco was unable to make any connections that he was at all at fault. So instead he blames everything on YDW and a senile Old Cleric who only advised him to NOT get annoyed by YDW.

"Isn't it ironic... don't cha think?..." :P

One final situation that I feel I must share with you is that at one point a warrior (the one who Draco apologized to) asked "Is Sword of the Moon better than KSoHaste?"

Draco: "Yes. I hacked one."

Pixip: "Draco couldn't make a shit if he had a box of laxatives."

Next time one of these Cheater   vs Cheater things occurs I'm thinking of having Pixip act as maybe a group counselor. Unsolicited help to those who are in need! It'll probably just make them even angrier, but it might be funny. ;)

Loof is a mischievous little Gremlin that likes to torment public gamers. Why? It's quite amusing, especially since I'm around when I do it. 8) Loof lives by the age-old saying "NEVER GAIN EXP!" Any exp is grounds for immediate abandonment. Looting chests and other things is perfectly fine, however.

And now, please enjoy the show.

[E]: Edited for content
[T]: Time compressed
[?]: Remembered as best as possible, with some help from screenshots

A game ("Legits only" or   some such) are two warriors, one obviously hackeduptheass, but the other appears more-or-less normal. The typical "Hi, where are you? Come to dungeon" greetings go off and Loof replies with ignorance. "Hi. Uh... I'm lost."

Loof promptly hurries over to the church entrance and blocks it. Hackeduptheass emerges and says "Go down." Loof says "I can't. I'm stuck." He starts laughing and calls the other guy to come to town. Now both are in town and Loof's blocking dlvl 1. :D They laugh for a bit and shoot the breeze... then start trying to make Loof go down, but she always replies that "I'm stuck." They get upset, but about that time a 3rd person enters the game and he joins them in trying to make me go down. Alas, they cannot.

The "more-or-less normal" warrior leaves and gets his clvl 30 char, who begins dropping crappy hacked items all over the church yard. Loof ridicules his junk... Gnarled Root sword?... Demonspike Coat ring?... And Loof laughs at Hackeduptheass, asking if his massive hps are to cover up his bad playing. As always, no answer. Someone then says something about people ruining other's fun, and so Loof replies with "I wish people could read game names." The 30 eventually wanders into Hell and throws a TP for the others. So they follow him, a few minutes later they're gone and some more people arrive. Loof totes the hacked junk in the churchyard to the back of the graveyard so as not to soil the area where the newbies shall tread, and then promptly lags out.

Nuts!... Oooh, another "Legit" type game is up!

A Warrior & Mage are already-in game. They're doing fine; appear legitimate. They come to town to take a look at Loof, just to make sure she's not hackeduptheass. One of them starts going "Lets go down" and they go down, and someone dies within 30 seconds. They, as usual, beg for res. Loof informs them that it's quicker to just restart, and tells them that most clvl 1 characters do NOT have res scrolls. So he restarts, a rogue enters the game, and Loof enters dlvl 1 to find a mage at the bottom of the stairs. He doesn't attack so Loof pays him no mind and proceeds to find the steps to dlvl 2.

Loof runs into a room with Barrels, shuts the door, kicks one... BOOM! Barrel killed!

"Woe!! I've been barrel killed! My time is at an end! My life is... OVER!"

Within a few minutes the trio is on dlvl 2.

Loof the Gremlin damsel in distress wails, "I see you! There you are! Save me!"

Well, only ONE of them comes. The Rogue enters the barrel room, steps on me...

"OUCH! You stepped on me!" And wouldn't you know, no reply!

The Rogue slays the barrels.

Loof restarts in town and looks herself over, "I have a footprint in my abdomen!"

Then the savior Rogue dies. She leaves the game. Newbies are annoying that way. They never get their f***ing items back when they die, so they just go beg for some! GAH! So infuriating! "I lost all my stuff!" You're f***ing clvl 1, just start a new char!!! 30 exp isn't THAT hard to get! But I digress.

So when Loof returns to dlvl 2 everyone has gone to town. (Btw, the warrior realized I was roleplaying. He thought it was funny. :) They'd cleared a nice path to ol' Butchy (or close enough), and along the way Loof finds Shadowbite. Making a mental note of that threat, Loof opens up Butchy.

"Hello, do you have steak?... Fresh? I'm not meat! AHH!! *dies*"

The warrior laughs to see such sport, and (while I'm restarting in town) the mage meets Butcher and swoons. *SPLAT* He leaves. Warrior valiantly tries to fight Butcher.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" He screams.

"'Tis not the end of the world! I shall slay the beast!

Yet he refutes the claim and insists that it indeed IS the end of the world, so he leaves the game. (I give him credit for noticing roleplaying, but he needs help in the strategy department... BADLY! Oh well, I do *try* to teach newbies the art of stair trapping.)

All alone now, Loof stair traps Butchy and start plinking him with arrows until someone named (not making this up) "TTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOTT" enters the game.

"The Butcher   killed all my friends! I must avenge them!"

Like a stupid newbie, mage comes upon me and Butchy. I warn him not to stay BACK! He MISSES Butch and hits me, but he fixes his aim in time for Butcher to untrap himself and chase the stupid little Vizjerei into the ground.

Re-trap Butcher, slay, and walk to get drop... Butcher's drop totally disappears. No idea what happened to it, but mage didn't get it and Loof didn't get it (disappeared before I even got close to it).

Well, at about this time the little mage man comes back and recovers his gear. He walks timidly past the corpse of Butcher and says "Gogo." (Sigh, what is it with people these days?) Anyway, Loof goes and rounds up that nice little Shadowbite. She runs past the mage and the rat goes for him. (I do NOT like "Gogo" people.)

"EEK! A mouse!" Loof squeals as she puts distance between herself, the mage, and Shadowbite. Poor   little fool tries using Fire Bolt, but to no avail, so Loof tells him to use Charged Bolt, but he doesn't. So what's he do? Whacks it with a staff. A clvl *1* mage has NO business trying to melee a boss! That's just common sense. But this is public game land, so who the hell knows.

Well, Loof   wanders off and start opening chests again when a Skel Capt pops out of a barrel and chases me back to the little mage man. He kindly kills it and says "Gogo lv3." (Ok, so now he knows 4 letters *and* a number... Wait, he did he kill Shadowbite?) Then he hits Loof with a Firebolt. RUDE little bugger, and Loof tells him so! Had to drink a red to stay alive, though a lucky portal was already up and Loof scurried to safety. Before she went up she saw him go to dlvl 3. Hmm, clvl 1 mage on dlvl 3. This won't end well.

TTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOTT has left the game.

The game's empty, so Loof exits as well.

Loof enters a game named "Princess Land." Zenear, clvl "50" warrior   w/2k HPs, is in the game. PrincessAlley, clvl 1 rogue, is in the game. Hmm, a cheater game, and a few duplicate item messages go off, too. Yup, definitely a cheater game!

Loof: Wow! You're level 50! That's so cool! I love you! :)

*Zenear   walks away*

*Loof follows*

Loof: *SMOOCH*

Loof: I hear Butcher has a room for rent. *winkwink*

*Zenear and Princess walk toward Adria's*

*Loof walks to dlvl 2*

*Loof finds Butch. Casts a portal inside. Enters and is splatted.*

Loof: Help! I need big strong level 50 man to saaaaveee meeee!!

Zenear : Come on, Princess. Let's go get a room.

PrincessAlley has left the game.

Loof: You... You racist! You don't want me because I'm a Gremlin!!

Zenear : Ok.

~Angel~of~Fire~ has joined the game

Zenear just left the game.

Loof: Hi! I need big strong man to rescue me. Zenear was big strong level 50 man, but he didn't want me because he's a racist. He hates Gremlins.

Loof: Do you love Gremlins?

~Angel~of~Fire~: Where r u?

Loof: I'm down my TP. C'mon baby and rescue me! Dee daa doo doo dee daa dee dee!

~Angel~of~Fire~: Where r u?

Loof: I told you, I'm down my TP. Go north from Griswold's shop to the TP. I'm under that.

Loof: If you don't save me I'll sing again.

Angel emerges from the portal... AH!!! It's a ROGUE!... in plate mail!!

Loof: AHH!!! You're not a he!! You's a she!!

Angel dies. A duplicate item message is triggered by her two Obs/Zods dropping to the floor. Loof restarts.

~Angel~of~Fire~: What do I do now

Loof: How can I help you if I needed you and you failed to be big strong man?

Loof: I know! I'll find big strong man in a channel and ask him to help us!

Loof does a /who on Diablo Retail USA-1.

Loof to Dren'Tal: Hi! Are you big strong man who can save me and my friend? We are in Princess Land and all helpless!

No reply.

Elkfyre has joined the game.

Loof: We need big strong man!

Angel: Elkfyre help me honey!

Loof: We love you!

Loof: *dies* They killed me! I need big strong man, and Angel does, too! *restarts*

And Loof meets up with Elkfyre in town...

Angel: Are u comin

Loof: Elk is a girl too! (Indeed! She was a third rogue!)

And to make matters worse, Jam-War-Rogue joins the game!

Loof: Oh no! Another girl! We are all girls and we are all dead because we need help!

Elk takes Loof's TP and starts gunning down Butcher. She looks normal (clvl 1, 45 hps) but there's something funny about her and the way she can stun Butcher like that... No matter, while she's busy Loof runs over and collects Angel's cheated gear. Loof escapes with the cheated gear and destroys it in a private game. Elkfyre had slain Butcher.

InsuranceAgent met this fellow, King~Jade. The really sad part is, that was his fourth death to monsters in that game. You've gotta wonder, how often does this moron die per night?

Still laughing? Don't bust a gut but at one point I came upon his gear... In Hell/Hell he was using a Naj Light Plate and a Messerschmidt's Reaver!

Many years ago in a town called Tristram there was an adventurer by the name of Demonslayer. This slayer of demons was out to make Miss Ouri's name the most respected of any name that would ever to be spoken. Miss Ouri approved of this and gave him her blessing, but she stayed in the land of Us so as to not witness the violent battles that Demonslayer would surely be engaged in.

Demonslayer was a lad of the tender age of 8, yet already he ventured forth wearing equipment that other adventurers surely would enjoy - if only such equipment could actually be found. The lad lived in a world of dreams, a world where one could think up an item and it would suddenly exist!

And so it was that Demonslayer met two brilliant sorcerers, both dressed in fine red and black painted plate mail. They claimed that they were greater in power than the militaries of most Third World countries, but the lad disputed their claim. Demonslayer spit at them and insisted that he, a fighter, was the most powerful and knowledgeable of all.

"Demondemented, still thy tongue before you choke on the absurdity of your words," chuckled one of the mages, a muppety fellow.

"Yes, indeed, don't be a fool. You are inferior to us," added the other mage, who somewhat resembled a canine.

"Miss Ouri demands the heads of all that insult her honor!" screamed the lad, adding a few obscenities that he didn't quite know how to spell or pronounce.

"We know not who this Miss Ouri is, yet we shall begin to make light of her for having such an inept squire pretending to be her knight in shining armor," laughed the muppety mage.

"Miss Ouri. Hmmm, is she related to Miss Issippi?" questioned the dogish fellow. But before Demonslayer could respond, both mages erupted in laughter.

The lad was dismayed, not because of what they said in particular, but because he didn't understand what they had said. He became enraged and charged them with his sword, which the two magi later learned was an indestructible kingly sword of haste. The mages were laughing so hard that they didn't even think to block, and it turned out that they didn't need to. Demonslayer's blade was unable to pierce their armored hides.

Both mages now turned to the child and raised their Dreamflanges into the air, bringing them to bear on the boy's hollow cranium. The maces connected and sent Demonslayer sprawling onto the ground. He became quite mad and threw his helmet to the ground in anger, but then it was seen that 'twas no helm at all he had affixed to his head - it was a mace! The very same type of mace that he had been smote with at that!

This new development caused another uproar with the mages. They now goaded Demonslayer into showing them the rest of his battling gear. It was discovered that he had an armor fit for a sea mammal of deity-like proportions as well as a club fashioned as a ring. His amulet was not an amulet at all, but rather an entire coat! (No wonder his head was hollow! With a full metal coat around his neck it is obvious that the blood flow of nutrients to his brain had stopped and the cockroach - which ran things within the lad's hollow skull - died from starvation.) His other ring was made of blackest obsidian and looked to have fallen from an astrologer's wagon. After hearing all of this it should not surprise you that he was using a cap for a shield and his backup armor was a mace designed to be shoved up one's rear end to provide armor class and magical abilities.

Now with his will broken and his pride hiding from embarrassment, the lad pleaded for help. Then when help was offered, he refused it citing that it was accursed and untrue help. The mages' logical help was ignored and to this day Demonslayer is whining for his old items, hoping that some day a compassionate fool shall come along and help him to get free battle gear. With any luck, that day shall never come.

Insurance Agent enters a game named "Legits" and offer my services of insurance. One Soldier_of_Fire is clvl 34 upon entry. He replies "I don't need insurance. I have hacks." His level is now 50. Fetid troll.

He is asked, "If you are not legit, what are you doing in a legit game?"

He replies, "u want me to leave?"

"It must be embarrassing to enter a legit game when you're a cheater. Like walking into a restroom with the wrong gender symbol on the door."

He is silent for awhile. I ask, "Why are you still here?"

"I do care what you say."

"Do you have a problem with reading comprehension? I didn't ask you that."

"Carly asked me to come."

Carly was another character in the game. I never saw the person on my screen, so I don't know if it was a he, she, legit, or cheater.

"If you are male and a woman asks you into the woman's restroom, would you go?"

"hell yeah"

What a pervert. Separate restrooms are no accident, and separate games aren't either. Separate restrooms help serve to keep women safe. (Although if somebody truly wanted to hurt someone, they wouldn't care what the sign on the door said. But that's not the point.) The ideal of separate games is to notify other gamers that THIS   GAME   IS   FOR   LEGITS. Ideally, cheaters won't join.

However, we know this isn't true. Just as we know the sign on restroom doors is ignored when it's wanted to. People who don't belong in these areas enter and rape those within. Jackasses.

"And then another   woman would call security and have you arrested. Would it have been worth it?"

"You have a bad way of making your   points."

"You have a terrible way of rationalizing yours."

He never replied, and soon lagged out.

Hoo, boy. Today I met somebody with a knack for putting a spin on things. Do you know what cheats are now? NO! They're not CHEATS! Sheesh, were you raised in a logical environment?! You must have been if you think they're cheats!

No! CHEATS ARE NO LONGER CHEATS, at least according to asdfasdfdsa2. And these people who use them are NOT CHEATERS! IT IS NO LONGER POLITICALLY CORRECT TO CALL THEM CHEATERS! DON'T BE INSENSITIVE! LEARN THE WORD!

These so called... I can't even say it anymore without feeling dirty. Ok, one more time... These so called "cheats" (*shudder!*) are actually "extra options!" INDEED! Extra options!

Now you can rationalize your autokilling, auto-duping, god moding, character altering, and MUCH MUCH MORE! CHEAT NO LONGER! You're now a legit with "extra options!" Join the latest craze today!

Such morons deserve harsh mocking.

The following is an argument that took place in chat. I was using a clvl 2 ("TheMysticalN"), and my foe was a clvl 12 ("Jester_of_Water"). I captured these Kodak Moments™ on screenshot, so they're word-for-word verbatim. ;)

<Jester_of_Water> hi
<TheMysticalN> Greetings.
<Jester_of_Water> want some stuff
<TheMysticalN> No thank you.
<Jester_of_Water> i have the finest

*bells go off* For some reason, that line makes me think he's not quite legitimate. Doesn't it seem that way to you? ;)

<TheMysticalN> I do not accept items from unsavory individuals.
<Jester_of_Water> from what
<TheMysticalN> People such as yourself.
<Jester_of_Water> what unsavory mean
<TheMysticalN> Filthy, in a sense.

Filthy isn't the exact definition, but it's what came to mind. "Morally offensive" would've been better.

<Jester_of_Water> u beter hope i never find u or i will kill u
<TheMysticalN> Oh my, I've just emptied my bowels.
<Jester_of_Water> cause no1 but NO1 CALLES ME FILTHY
<TheMysticalN> Will you please empty my fecal receptacle?
<Jester_of_Water> ILL NOCK UR EAR OFF AND EAT THE REST
<TheMysticalN> Sorry, I have no ears.
<Jester_of_Water> AND STOP USING BID WORDS
<Jester_of_Water> BIG
<Jester_of_Water> I GET CONFUSED
<TheMysticalN> I shall dismember you and beat you over your cranium with your own
 appendages, you plebeian.
<TheMysticalN> Now begone, lest I call the Legion of Greiz down upon you, wretched scum.
<Jester_of_Water> !&$% U U MOTHER!&$%ING ASS SUCKING BITCH
<Jester_of_Water> NOW UR GOING TO GET IT
<TheMysticalN> You are so utterly unoriginal. I am insulted by the mere fact that I am
 still conversing with one of such low mental calibre.
<Jester_of_Water> o shut up
<TheMysticalN> Excuse me, but I'm waiting to "get it." When is this going to occur? I
 can't wait forever.
<Jester_of_Water> u are asking for it
<TheMysticalN> Or can you only make threats with nothing to back them up?
<Jester_of_Water> i will kill u
<TheMysticalN> Indeed. I am waiting.
<Jester_of_Water> add the ear to my collection
<TheMysticalN> And place it next to the underpants you stole from the boy next door?
<Jester_of_Water> will u do something
<TheMysticalN> I never said I'd do anything. I'm waiting for you to do something, as
 you said you would.
<Jester_of_Water> wait here while i change carectors

He returns with a 3 dot clvl 50 mage.

<Cursed_Jester> ok im back
<TheMysticalN> Indeed you are.
<Cursed_Jester> now take a look at my icon
<TheMysticalN> What of it?
<Cursed_Jester> u see how its gold and 3 dots
<TheMysticalN> You likely used a trainer to edit your character. That does not impress me.
<Cursed_Jester> no i did not the thought makes me hurl
<TheMysticalN> Somehow I do not believe that. I'm sure you can understand.
<Cursed_Jester> i got to lvl50 and beat diablo no hell/hell and it took me 3 years
<TheMysticalN> That is very sad, Jester.

*giggle*   3 years to raise *1* character from clvl 1 to 50? 3 years to get 3 dots, too?

<Cursed_Jester> i have 30 ears
<TheMysticalN> That is odd. Were you irradiated?
<Cursed_Jester> ya the people started to yell at me so i killed em
<TheMysticalN> Maybe they knew something you didn't.
<Cursed_Jester> mabe
<Cursed_Jester> maybe
<TheMysticalN> I believe they concluded that your head is a giant calcium deposit,
 and they became irate in attempts to communicate with you.
<Cursed_Jester> but they will never tell
<Cursed_Jester> in englis please i am only 13
<TheMysticalN> I am using English.
<Cursed_Jester> use normal words
<TheMysticalN> What is abnormal about my choice of words?
<Cursed_Jester> ok repet the last part after the comma
<TheMysticalN> But, very well, I shall use Barbarian speak.
<Cursed_Jester> what does it all mean
<TheMysticalN> The N tinky you's moron who tink he got the biggest d*ck on da block so
 he go nutty-nuts when people bother him! The N tinky you no control self good.
<Cursed_Jester> ok i sorta understand that
<Cursed_Jester> what does it mean
<TheMysticalN> N said wut it meen.
<Cursed_Jester> does it mean i get mad and kill
<TheMysticalN> duh
<Cursed_Jester> ok no u speak my languege whitch is slang

At about that time a bunch of other mages flooded in and ended our   little discussion. Jester   then proceeded to attempt to impress me by telling me about the various 3rd party cheating programs he has. (And yet the thought of cheating to get clvl 50 makes him want to hurl?) The other magi jumped in, and a few of them claimed to have "made" their own trainers. LOL! Such ridiculousness. One fellow piped in saying his trainers no longer   work with this version. "Good, now you can go legit," I said. But he wouldn't have it!

<Silent_Cause> your all wanting me to go legit. like i'm stupid
<TheMysticalN> Are you implying that I want you to not cheat because I
 want something bad to happen to you?
<Silent_Cause> no. your treating me like a newbie
<TheMysticalN> Don't worry, Silent, I treat all cheaters like that.

Rather than this being a story or   rant, this is a flame directly from the DSF. It's in response to a trainer-seeking individual known as Geo Jerf.

Subject: Nice e-mail address. It suits you perfectly
From: AdvocateofMurphy
Host: host-209-214-52-22.mgm.bellsouth.net
Date: Tue Dec 25 12:09:02


*lights a match*
*lowers it to a candle*
*watches the wick catch fire*

Flames are pretty, aren't they? They flicker and dance before your
eyes. Entrancing.

*tips candle*
*flame ignites Geo Jerf's worthless post*

"Though the heat of the sun is beyond measure, the
mere flame of a candle is of greater danger." -Adria

On Tue Dec 25 10:59:34, Geo Jerf wrote:
> I need a trainer, and if anyone would be willing to send me one. I
> would be vary happy if you would send me a link to a web site where I
> can get one.
> Geo Jerf
> mongloid_85@hotmail.com

"Mongloid" - you spelled "Mongoloid" wrong. Not
surprising, considering you don't seem particularly intelligent.
Here's what Mongolism is, though I'm sure you already know having
suffered from the condition your entire life.

Mongolism - (noun)
:Congenital condition marked by mental deficiency and physical
abnormality.

That description seems to suit you perfectly, doesn't it? Because,
truly, only the mentally deficient seek out and use trainers. Hmm,
you probably didn't understand a word I just said. In fact, I doubt
you even wrote that post yourself - likely had a parent do it for
you.

Let me give you a tip for your mommy to read to you: If you're so
unskilled that you need a trainer, DON'T PLAY DIABLO. Play an easier
game. ("Duck, Duck, Goose" comes to mind, but remember you
TAP people on the head - you don't whack them!) Blizzard did NOT
build cheats into the game, and they did that for a reason. What
makes you think you have carte blanche to cheat at a game that they
specifically left cheats OUT of?

Oh, I suppose you'll reply with some moronic, brainless twit of an
answer "cuz i kan." Listen up: There are certain rules that
govern society. You can technically go out and murder people at whim.
What stops people from doing that are rules and respect for
civilization (not to mention fear for keeping your own hide and your
two remaining brain cells safe). If you have no respect for rules,
fine, go cheat. And while you're at it, why don't you go get yourself
locked away in a nice prison cell, or perhaps a padded room. Yes, you
can go to your local asylum and tell them that you no longer feel
compelled to behave civilized and do not believe that you can manage
your own behavior anymore. Get yourself tightly locked up and bound
in one of those special jackets just for people like you. (The kind
with extra long sleeves that strap down in the back.)

Frankly, your reason for cheating is simple: You are pathetic. You
suck at the game in some form or fashion. Then you figure that a
trainer is all you need to make things right with the world and after
obtaining a trainer you can gallop in the grassy fields with the
three cows and your beloved "My Little Ponies." This won't
happen.

Another reason you wish to cheat: You can't be harmed. If you're the
kind of dip who can't be trusted to behave according to rules EVEN
when you won't be harmed, you really should go get yourself locked
up. Blizzard left out cheats to help create a civilized multiplayer
environment. People destroyed it. You wish to further erode it. We
don't need idjits wandering loose who neither respect nor follow
rules for living in a civilized society.

Hey, folks! Do you know your A-B-Cs? While I'm confident some cheaters are unaware that there are 26 letters in the alphabet, I still included all 26 in my A-B-C's for Public Gamers.

A is for "apocilips," an attack that is lame
B is for begging, the best way to game
C is for the cow level in that mysterious dell
D is for duping as it serves you well
E is for enemies from whom you have fled
F is for flanges rammed into your head
G is for the gnarled roots on your fingers that fidget
H is for hit points, and you have millions of digits
I is for ignorance which truly is bliss
J is for jerks, those legits who you dis
K is for the ksoheavens that you like to wield
L is for lightforge, your favorite shield
M is for mana shield used with god mode turned on
N is for nonsense of which you are fond
O is for oranges, your rival in I.Q. polls
P is for power   which you must control
Q is for quickness, the speed at which you finish off D
R is for resurrection, when you could restart for free
S is for sentience, one of your missing traits
T is for trainer, the tainter of fates
U is for uniques, items without which you'd be deady
V is for vanquished, the game beat you already
W is for words that you cannot spell
X is for x-rays of your empty skull
Y is for yanking that's done to your leg
Z is for zodiac, found in town near ogden's keg!

Note that there are some good reputable guilds/clans out there and this is in no way a detraction from them. This article is about the majority of Bnet guilds - the fly-by-nighters that are doomed to fail before the even begin. So before you attempt to defend your favored organization of Diablo addicts, keep in mind that they're not under attack.

Guilds and clans amuse me greatly. They're like little social experiments gone horribly wrong. If Victor Frankenstein had made a handful of his creations he'd have made a more intelligent brood than the majority of guilds on Bnet. This is because the basic formula for the Bnet guild follows the "KISS" method: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Only keeping it so simple causes an increase in stupid.

You take a handful of people and somehow, as if by magic, all of them turn out to be morons. How is this possible?! It seems unfathomable that so many people could be just so... repulsive! The secret as to why the majority of Bnet guilds are so tainted with morons is that the people in them were already morons before they even joined up! Obvious, no? But what, then, is the point of noting this?

This simple concept is not grasped by those desperate for trusted gaming partners. So, ironically (and like a great many human actions), they do something to mend their situation but their action has the effect of making it worse! This is akin to drinking more booze to make a hangover go away or taking out a loan to repay a loan. They're desperate for partners, so they go out and make a guild. The people that they recruit are the very people they were trying to get away from! And, perhaps in an attempt to retain some control over their unwieldy creation, they dub themself the "leader."

The "leader" admits people into the guild and supposedly rules over it. Yet instead of being a person of authority in a community he becomes more of a bipolar bouncer. And he's usually so eager to fill the ranks that he'll take any armed stranger who passes him on the street. This lack of a screening process leads to guilds full of people who can't stand each other. And since the mob is not of one mind, they see no reason to be loyal to any single leader. There is no leadership, there is no kinship, there is only anarchy. But there is another problem: The Wit Factor.

Awhile ago as a topic of casual conversation I was discussing the concept of halfwits with some friends. We were puzzled by how it was that two halfwits did not make a whole wit. Obviously simple addition would yield .5 + .5 = 1, and thus two morons together should make more intelligent actions than a lone misadventurer. But when has *this* ever been true? Not once in the entire history of time! For, indeed, life always shows that as a group increases in number the stupidity of the group plummets. How could this be? The math is in conflict! Addition should yield a smarter mob!...

And then I had an epiphany.

Wit is not a factor that is added! Wit is MULTIPLIED! So when you take a halfwit and another halfwit you end up with a quarterwit (.5 wit x .5 wit = .25 wit), meaning their actions together would be twice as stupid than when misadventuring on their own! This also explains how a mob is much stupider than any single person within it.

A mob of people will almost always have a less-than-full witted person within it, and usually many more than just one. As these fractional wits increase they take large chunks out of the overall wit of the group, thereby making the mob so stupid it couldn't even tie its own shoe! Take for example a group of twenty people. 15 people are of full wit (1 wit) and 5 are halfwits (.5 wit). We get 1^15 x .5^5 = .03125 wit! Imagine how dangerous that is! 25% of the group brought the overall intelligence down to levels reserved for inanimate objects!

Now apply the, as I shall call it, "Halfwit Theorem" to your average Bnet guild wherein there is not a soul who is full-witted and it becomes clearer than ever why they fail.

So when I saw a game named "Join the target clan" you *know* I couldn't resist joining it. The game creator was a clvl 13 warrior by the name of "Target." He, naturally, was dressed in the finest apparel: GPoW, KAoHeavens, etc. (He flaunted his gear, you see.)

Target: "Want to join?"
Me: "Absolutely! There's nothing I want more than to join a quality guild. But I have some reservations about joining. How will I be assured that it will be composed of quality gamers?"
Target: "K change your name to target"
Me: "I'm not ready to join yet. I need to know that the guild will be composed of quality players before I commit myself."

No reply. I try again, for truly I must join a guild! Not even personal safety is above my need to belong to such a random group of armed, emotionally unstable individuals!

Me: "I want to make sure that any guild I join will be of the highest quality."

*sigh* Target seems to have trouble holding a conversation. I suppose he's more of an automated reply system. I must find a way to get through to him!

DKSA has joined the game. (Rogue, clvl 13, plate, s/s outfit)

DKSA: "What axe?" (to Target)
Target: "Kings axe of heavens"
Me: "Ha! Heavens is a terrible affix for a melee weapon."
DKSA: "Where'd you get it?"
Me: "Somebody stupid gave it to him."
Target: "NO!! You cannot join the guild! DKSA can join."

That did it!

Me: "I think that I should lead this guild. I obviously have much more gaming knowledge than you do, Target."
Target: "Leave!"

WHAT?! I will not tolerate insurrection in my ranks!! His attempt to usurp my power will not go unpunished!

Me: "You can't ask *me* to leave. I'm the leader of the guild. And I must expel you from the guild for your insolence! Good day, Target."
DKSA: "I have messerschmidts reaver"
Target: "can I see?"
DKSA: *drops it*

DKSA is obviously much more interested in using the game as a Trade-O-Rama than as a guild recruitment game. It brings a smile to my face that pubbiers ignore the purpose of other games than simply the ones named "legit." (Read: Pubbiers frequently ignore "legit" game titles, and it seems they ignore guild recruitment games as well. *g*) All of Bnet's a marketplace, and we are but vendors in it! Nay, 'tis Alms Alley full of vagrants, hobos, bums, and beggars! If our purses are tied too tight to have mercy on the lazy, death is our reward!

Hmm, these beggars are *already* armed heavily enough to slay things... and yet they continue to panhandle. Do they not wish to PLAY at all? That is a matter to ponder another time, however, for I am much too concerned with matters of the moment.

Me: "The Reaver? That's a terrible axe. It has no +To Hit modifiers. You'll never hit anything in NM or Hell diff."

At that point Target got mad, and I felt sorry for him. He really doesn't know what he's doing. I extended an invitation for his re-entry into the guild under one condition, but he lagged out before I could give it. And I smack myself for such mercy. I forgot all about quality control. Perhaps running a fly-by-night guild is harder than I thought, else his fractional wit was already beginning to affect my own...

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