Joke A Day------------Canadian Lumberjack Joke:

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A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Joke A Day------------Sea Captain & Storm Joke:

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The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?" "I'd throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up afterwards?" "I'd throw out another anchor, sir." "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?" "I'd throw out another anchor, captain." "Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."  

Joke A Day------------Boy & Bum Jesus Christ Joke:

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A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"

Joke A Day------------Jill & Naked Man Joke:

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A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted,"Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"

Joke A Day------------Job Woman Florida Lemon Joke:

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?"

"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Joke A Day------------Bill Clinton Horse Flies Joke:

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Bill Clinton is standing around several farmers giving a speech and insects are swarming around him. At one point while he's swatting insects, one farmer says, "Those are horse flies, you know." Clinton looks at him quizzically and asks, "Horse flies?" The farmer replies, "Yeah, horse flies. The kind of flies that flyaround a horse's behind." The President answers, "Wait a minute! Are you calling me a horse's ---"The farmer interrupts, "No...but you can't fool horse flies..."

Joke A Day------------Cowboy Genie Snake Joke:

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A cowboy was riding his horse accross his pasture. A snake

spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy

cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"

The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three

wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"

The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said "A million dollars

in the bank."

The snake said, "Granted, next."

Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful

wife in the world."

The snake said, "Granted, next."

Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be

hung like my horse."

The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the

horse would take him.

He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched

across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful

woman in the world.

So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his

balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine

dollars. He rushed into the bathroom.

Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry. "I

forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!"

Joke A Day------------Boss Secretary Lawyer Joke:

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There was this boss screwing his secretary. She came

into work every day one week at 10:30 instead of 8:00

like she was supposed to. He asked her, "Who said

you could come in any time you wanted?" She replied,

"My lawyer."

Joke A Day------------Traveling Salesman Farmers Daughter Joke:

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One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love

to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You no good jerk trespasser!" he shot

the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.

The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a

doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the

man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be

done for him.

"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich

man and can pay you anything."

"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do.

However, there's a man across the street who might be able

to help."

"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.

"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you

how to hold it without pissing in your face."

Joke A Day------------Jon Traveling Saleman Pampered Joke:

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Jon, a somewhat simple minded young fella, decided to let

himself be pamperred and went into a fun type house. Explaining his

desire to the madam, she answered him, "Sure we can

pamper you enough, but as to how much is dependent onto

how much money you have with you."

Looking into his wallet Jon stated, "Well all I have is $10."

Laughing the madam exclaims, "Well for ten dollars you can

go outside around back and play with yourself."

Looking a bit depressed, and obviously let down having

expected more, Jon went outside. After a few minutes, he

returned.

A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him, "What are

you doing back here?!"

Jon said, "I'm finished and would like to pay "

Joke A Day------------Penelope Coach Joke:

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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad

steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county

and state championship until one day they are favored to win

nationals easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says,

"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my

chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panick, "How far down does it

go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want

to talk to you about."

Joke A Day------------Home Late Liar Joke:

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There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite

late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick

on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His

wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home

so late. His story: "Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends

and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather

good-looking young women, and started to drink to excess; things just

kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how

late it was, so I rushed home." She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE

LAB AGAIN, WEREN`T YOU???!!!"

Joke A Day------------Burglar Parrot Dog Joke:

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A burglar saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.

That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find

his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of

a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"

Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you`re gonna

get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.

Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"

Finally,the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty

upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward

stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top.

Just then the parrot screams, "Sic`em, Jesus!"

Joke A Day------------Genie Joint Account Joke:

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A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he

gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his wife gets two of.

"How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "You now have $3,000,000 in your

joint account" said the genie. "I've always wanted a Benz, how about

that?""In addition to a new three car garage, you have three Mercedes

Benz."For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat

me half to death?"

Joke A Day------------Young Man with Blond Female & Sunburn Joke:

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A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female

of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment

complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up

on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.

Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and

managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the

young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put

some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the

young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which

they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the

movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up

again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and

poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and

experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however,

wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to

see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you

guys load those things!"