Joke A Day------------Ma & Pa & the Bell Joke:

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Joke A Day------------Inch Charge Joke:

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Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

Joke A Day------------Eight Year Old Girl Library Book Joke:

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An eight year old girl is trying to check out a book entitled "Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library. Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear? Little girl: I collect moths.

Joke A Day------------Doctor & Construction Worker on Plane Joke:

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An elderly doctor and an after teen construction worker were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the harming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the construction worker whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol". The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

Joke A Day------------Apartment Manager Fight Joke:

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One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!" "Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

Joke A Day------------Jeans Size of House Joke:

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There's this woman that had gained a few pounds

She squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable, she asked

her husband "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the

side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue."

Joke A Day------------Motorcycle Policemans Ball Joke:

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The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was

pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol

motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and

opened his ticket book she said:

"I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway

Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and

he realized what he'd said.

He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle

and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several

minutes.

Joke A Day------------Highway Man Speeding Joke:

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A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on

a bike.

The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the

side of the road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".

The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the

car a mile back".

The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going

deaf."

Joke A Day------------John Cannons Roar Joke:

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Jon had always wanted to be an actor, but never succeeded

because he had a hard time remember lines. A friend of his,

Judi, told him about a bit part in a community play. She

assured Jon that he could do it because he'd only have to

remember one line.

Jon decided to take the part. His only line was, "Hark, I hear

the cannons roar!"

Jon practiced and practiced, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

The opening night of the play Jon was very nervous.

Backstage, he practiced his line, over and over again, "Hark, I

hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

Jon was given his cue and went on stage. He hears a loud

BOOM, and yells, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

Joke A Day------------Golf Student Bee Joke:

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The young female golf student had just finished private lessons with the

club pro when he suggested she go out on the course and play nine holes

on herown and report back to him. After playing #1 a bee stung her en

route to #2 tee and she rushed back to the pro exclaiming "A bee stung

me between hole #1 and hole #2!" He looked at her and said "Try closing

your stance a bit."

Joke A Day------------Waiter Hot Thumb Joke:

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A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out

the order beginning with some hot soup. The

customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup. Feeling sorry for

the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup

uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes.

Then in the coffee. Finally, he angrily asks the waiter

why he has his thumb in all his hot food. The waiter says, "I have

arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something

warm." The customer says, "why don't you stick it up your behind!" And the

waiter says , "I do that in the kitchen!"

Joke A Day------------High School Teacher Difficult Assignment Joke:

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A High School teacher was giving his class a difficult assignment, he

stressed the importance of this particular assignment.

He said that no excuses would be accepted, unless there was an

illness-with a doctor's note; or a death in the family-with a

death certificate. One of his smart-ass students pipes up, "What about

extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up

laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds "Well, I guess

in that event, You'll have to figure out how to write

your assignment with your other hand."

Joke A Day------------Cop Pull Over Joke:

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This couple is pulled over by a cop. When the cop walks up to the window

the dirver says to him "Did I do something

wrong?" And the cop says "Yes, you were doing 75 in a 55." The guy says

"That's impossible, I never speed!" And with that

his wife turns to him and says "Howard, that's not true, you were doing

at least 75." The the cop says "And I notice your not

wearing your seatbelt." The guy replies "Well, I just took it off

because your pulled me over." And the wife says "Howard, you

never wear your seatbelt." Then the cop says, "And, I notice your

tail-light is out, I'll have to cite you for that." The guy says

"Well, I didn't know that, it must have just gone out." And the wife

says "I told you it's been out for weeks!" With that he turns

to his wife and says "Will you shut up, you stupid bitch!" Then the cop

looks at the wife and says "Does he always talk to like

that?" And she says "Only when he's been drinking!"

Joke A Day------------Ladies Snoring On Bench Joke:

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Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally,

one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been

sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it

snoring!"

Joke A Day------------Elmer Betsy Separate Joke:

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An older couple, living apart, had been dating for a number of

years. One day Elmer says to Betsy, "We should stop this

nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance

payments, buying separate foods and cooking separate

meals. We should move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

Elmer: Mine, it is paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

Betsy: What about sex?

Elmer: Infrequently.

Betsy: Is that one word or two?

Joke A Day------------Game Warden Duck Hunting Licence Joke:

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A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided

to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge

and said, "Looks like you`ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect

your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.

The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck`s

rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here`s a Washington

state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter

pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state

hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in

the bird`s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here`s an

Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a

bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said,

"This here`s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting

license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter

produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having

struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You`ve got

all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter

dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You`re so smart, YOU tell ME!"

Joke A Day------------Swimming Party Sister Joke:

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It was a swinging party, lots of chicks, booze and dim lights.

Orville Bushmiller was aware of a particularly nifty dish sitting

alone in a corner. He went over, clapsed her in his arms and

began kissing her passionately.

"Stop, you fool!" she shrieked angrily, fighting herself loose

from his arms.

"Pardon me," Orville bluffed smoothly, "I thought you were my

sister."

"You idiot," she shot back, "I am!"

Joke A Day------------Grandson Johnny Water Hole Joke:

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So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the

water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was

dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at

him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's

kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?"

Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole,

Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down

there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there

for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's

probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I

am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"